Via: https://www.reddit.com/user/Ok_Platypus_6746 peg-bb@proton.me BLUE HAWAII WRITTEN BY ALFRED GOUGH & MILES MILLAR FADE IN: EXT. SKY - DAY OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS AS THE CAMERA SPEEDS THROUGH brooding, storm-ravaged CLOUDS. MONSTER MOVIE-STYLE LIGHTNING angrily FORKS as the CAMERA EMERGES and a familiar town is REVEALED: WINTER RIVER, CONNECTICUT. RAIN LASHES the postcard-perfect, white-steepled church. MORE LIGHTNING. MORE THUNDER. CAMERA SHOOTS ACROSS the trees, which are rusted with fall colors, ZEROES IN ON THE DEETZ HOUSE. The iconic white Victorian is still proudly perched on its hill. CAMERA TARGETS an open attic window. THROUGH THE FLAILING CURTAINS, we CATCH eerie, SHUTTER-LIKE GLIMPSES of a WOMAN dressed in Gothic black. CAMERA HEADS INSIDE... INT. ATTIC - DEETZ HOUSE - DAY The décor is untouched and artfully shrouded in cobwebs. CAMERA MOVES TOWARDS the Woman, who wears a wide-brimmed black hat with matching funereal lace veil. CAMERA CREEPS IN CLOSE as she turns and lifts her veil. It’s LYDIA DEETZ. Her dark, mischievous eyes look DIRECT TO CAMERA. LYDIA Come in... if you dare. At that moment, the words “GHOST HOUSE WITH LYDIA DEETZ” SWIRL ONTO SCREEN before MORPHING INTO AN ANIMATED GHOST THAT SHOOTS STRAIGHT AT CAMERA, its mouth open in a scream. PULL BACK FROM A TV MONITOR, REVEALING the attic is actually a set and Lydia is in front of a STUDIO AUDIENCE. She’s the Elvira-like host of a paranormal TV series Ghost House. If Dr. Phil knocked up the Ghost Hunters, that would be this show. INT. ATTIC SET - TV STUDIO - NYC - DAY LYDIA The living. The dead. Can they coexist? That’s what we’re here to find out. My name is Lydia Deetz and welcome to Ghost House. She turns to the couple sitting opposite, EMMETT and JODY WELCH (50s). They’re as Midwestern as tornado warnings and funnel cakes. A nervy Pomeranian, TACO, sits on Jody’s lap. LYDIA Joining us in the attic tonight are Emmett and Jody Welch from Cleghorn, Wisconsin. Along with their dog Taco. (as the AUDIENCE “AHHS”) We are going to hear how their dream home became a ghost house. She CLICKS a clunky vintage REMOTE, ACTIVATING THE TV encased in the 1970s sideboard-style unit behind her. An IMAGE OF A FARMHOUSE FLASHES ON. It’s surrounded by swaying cornfields. LYDIA (addresses Audience) I’ve been a psychic mediator for over 15 years. But nothing prepared me for what I encountered when I visited the Welch farm. Here’s a preview. Be warned it’s intense. CUT TO: ON THE TV SCREEN: INT. HALL - WELCH HOUSE - NIGHT A creepy, HANDHELD, NIGHT-VISION IMAGE OF LYDIA cautiously approaching a DOOR that VIOLENTLY BANGS OPEN AND SHUT. Lydia reaches for the handle, the BANGING OMINOUSLY STOPS. LYDIA (addressing CAMERAwhispered) I don’t know what I’m going to find on the other side of this door. But whatever’s inside that room, I can feel its anger, its rage. It doesn’t want me here. She twists the handle, cautiously pushes open the door. INT. KITCHEN - WELCH HOUSE - NIGHT Deathly still. Until a PLAINTIVE WAIL ECHOES. CAMERA POV WHIPS TO the ceiling fan where Taco is REVEALED precariously standing on a slow-spinning blade. RATTLING. CAMERA PANS TO REVEAL all the DRAWERS AND CABINETS ARE VIOLENTLY SHAKING. LYDIA Something is happening. Her BREATH FOGS like she’s in a meat locker. She closes her eyes, holds out her palm and focuses. LYDIA I can feel a dark presence. (her face twists with fearful realization) We’re in danger. We need to leave. Now! But as she turns for the door, it VICIOUSLY SLAMS SHUT! SMASH BACK TO: INT. ATTIC SET - TV STUDIO - DAY The Audience gasps, then applauds in anticipation. Once the clapping has died, Lydia addresses the couple. LYDIA Emmett, you ready to hear about your paranormal squatters? EMMETT Bring it on. LYDIA What about you, Jody? JODY (tearful) Tell you the truth, Lydia. Haven’t slept a wink since we moved into that darn house. Taco is so freaked out, he poops his goddamn doggie bed every night. (as Taco whimpers in embarrassment) It’s been a living nightmare. LYDIA Confronting the unknown. Conquering your fears. There’s nothing harder. But I will be right by your side, Jody. Suddenly, from the Audience, she hears OBNOXIOUS LAUGHTER. Lydia squints past the stage lights and is shocked to see BEETLEJUICE in the back row of the Audience in his signature suit! She stares in disbelief, looks again, but he’s gone. (Note: we ONLY SEE BRIEF FLASHES OF BEETLEJUICE. ) She regains her composure, turns to the Welches. But then she sees Beetlejuice sitting in a different section of the Audience! She marches right off the set and angrily confronts him. LYDIA Go away!! Leave me alone!! The director GLEN (60s, flustered) intervenes. GLEN Lydia? What’s going on? She looks at him, rattled, turns back to Beetlejuice only to find an OVERWEIGHT AUDIENCE MEMBER instead. The Studio Audience stares in stunned silence, clearly thinks Lydia is losing her shit. Glen turns to RORY KINCAID, Lydia’s manager, who’s behind a row of monitors. GLEN Rory, you’re her manager. Manage her!Concerned, Rory steps out. Addresses the audience. RORY All part of the show, folks. He shares a look with Lydia, nods for her to take a break. She smiles grateful and steps off stage. RORY (to director) Glen, we need a time-out.(off Glen) Is that going to be a problem? GLEN (to CREW, annoyed) Okay, that’s lunch.7 INT. HALL - TV STUDIO - DAY Photos chronicling the shows that have shot in the studios over the decades fill the walls. As Lydia heads to the bathroom, CAMERA HANGS ON one b&w image featuring a MAGICIAN (30s), in top hat and cape, a dozen throwing daggers fanned out in his hands. His glamorous assistant NADIA (20s) grins in the b. g., strapped to a giant wooden wheel. The photo is labeled “MAGIC HOUR WITH THE GREAT GAMBINI - 1975”. INT. BATHROOM - TV STUDIO - DAY Lydia bursts in, unnerved by seeing Beetlejuice, finds Nadia still dressed in her retro sequined unitard, sighing at her reflection in the mirror. Lydia steps next to her. NADIA (Russian accent) I told him he needed to wear contacts. But no, Mr. Big Shot Magician wouldn’t listen. LYDIA (rolls her eyes) Nadia, can you give it a rest? I’m having a really shitty day. Only when Nadia turns to face her do we SEE A THROWING DAGGER IMPALED IN HER FOREHEAD. Nadia offers Lydia a shaded look, then SHE WALKS STRAIGHT THROUGH THE WALL. She’s a ghost! Lydia pulls a prescription bottle and pops a pill. INT. HALL - TV STUDIO - DAY NADIA STEPS OUT OF THE WALL. REVEAL Rory purposefully heading her way. He doesn’t bat an eyelid as NADIA CROSSES IN FRONT OF HIM AND DISAPPEARS INTO THE OPPOSITE WALL. INT. BATHROOM - TV STUDIO - DAY Lydia splashes water on her face as Rory enters. She grips the prescription bottle, hiding it from view. RORY You okay? What happened? LYDIA (covering) Nothing. These double taping days always get to me. He shakes his head, concerned. RORY It’s killing me to see you likethis. It’s killing me because I see you and I feel everything.(looks at her sincerely) That’s how connected to you I am.. He chokes up. Tries to pull it together. Lydia puts a hand on his shoulder. LYDIA Hey, it’s okay. I didn’t mean to freak you out. RORY You’re my anchor and when you drift, I feel... drifty. LYDIA You’re my anchor too, Rory. None of this would have happened without you. RORY (feigning modesty) I guess. Still can’t see dead people. That’s the coolest. They share a moment, then Rory spots the prescription bottle gripped in her hand. He gently takes it. RORY Lydia, you don’t need these. You’re stronger than that. She watches as he tosses the pills in the trash can. LYDIA Please... just to get me through today. Rory sighs, retrieves the bottle. RORY This is the last time I’m pulling these out of the trash for you. Hands it to her. She nods gratefully, takes one. RORY Okay, I need one too. She gives him the bottle. He dry pops one. RORY We got this, right?She smiles, they begin kissing. Then she hears the BUZZ OF AN INCOMING TEXT from his pocket. She breaks off. LYDIA Is that mine? Who’s texting me? RORY We agreed I’d baby-sit your phone. No distractions. It BUZZES AGAIN. Irritated, he pulls it from his pocket. RORY Your stepmom’s got texting diarrhea. I don’t know how many times I’ve told her that you cannot be disturbed on show day. Lydia grabs the phone. There are 4 TEXTS. ALL CAPPED. Lydia reads the last four. ON SCREEN: “WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU!??” “MEET ME AT THE GALLERY RIGHT NOW!” “IT’S ABOUT YOUR FATHER!!” LYDIA (looks up, concerned) I have to go. RORY You’re in the middle of a segment!She gives him a quick kiss and is out the door. CUT TO: EXT. SOHO GALLERY - NYC - DAY CLOSE ON A STRIKING LIFE-SIZE PHOTO OF DELIA DEETZ. The exhibition title is spray-painted on the window of this painfully trendy concrete-and-glass structure. “THE HUMAN CANVAS BY DELIA DEETZ” Lydia races inside as an ASSISTANT (20s) tapes an “All Performances Cancelled” banner over the image of Delia. INT. SOHO GALLERY - DAY A giant photograph of Delia stares down from the wall, her face stretched under latex, her mouth open in a scream. DELIA’S VOICE ECHOES FROM A SCREEN PLAYING AN ENDLESS LOOP OF A TV INTERVIEW she did with a Dick Cavett-like HOST (50). DELIA (V.O.) (on TV) My artistic life has progressed like the phases of the moon. (MORE) DELIA (V.O.) (CONT'D) Moving from sculpture to painting and now to this... It feels like an inevitable culmination. She’s also the star of half a dozen VIDEO INSTALLATIONS. In one she’s CRYING while video footage of children enjoying a playground is projected onto her face. In another she’s LAUGHING while a herd of buffalo stampedes across her body. DELIA (V.O.) (on TV) I realized I am my own canvas. You are your art. Art is you. This is art in the purest form. Ever- changing. Evolving. We are all works of art. Lydia passes a Damien Hirst-like body cast of Delia that’s split down the middle. LYDIA Delia? Hello? She hears SOBBING, turns to find DELIA wrapped in a robeballed in a corner. She wears a body suit that matches the brick wall behind her that’s splattered with graffiti. DELIA Where have you been? (dabbing eyes) I think I’ve cried all the water out of my body! LYDIA Delia, what’s happened to Dad? Delia nods to a MAN (30s)in a red vinyl Jean Paul Gaultier vest and tight leather pants. He’s on the other side of a glass wall that separates the gallery’s performance space. He’s barking into a cell phone while theatrically throwing cans of spray paint into a duffel bag. DELIA That’s Le Tigre, he’s the Picasso of graffiti artists. He’s having a petit tantrum because I had to cancel the performance. So French. LYDIA Delia! DELIA Sorry, he was tagging my body like the walls of the Paris Metro when I got the call. (dramatically) Your father has left me! She starts sobbing again. LYDIA He’s divorcing you? DELIA No! He’s gone, Lydia... Daddy’s passed away... he’s dead. Lydia sits next to her, stunned. LYDIA What? How? (Note: as Delia recounts the story, we SEE IT DRAMATIZED IN RAY HARRYHAUSEN CLAYMATION STOP-MOTION FLASH CUTS.) DELIA Your father was returning from his bird-watching expedition to the Funafuti Atoll when his plane went down in the South Pacific. FLASH CUT: CHARLES DEETZ squeezed into a middle seat of a crowded, Ryanair-like discount jet. Suddenly, orange PLASTICINE FLAMES ERUPT FROM AN ENGINE. PULL OUT FROM Charles’ terrified face as the PLANE NOSE-DIVES towards the aquamarine ocean. LYDIA Plane crash... that was always his worst nightmare. DELIA Actually, he survived the crash. By a miracle, the pilot managed to ditch it safely into the sea... LYDIA Oh God... he drowned. DELIA Almost... but no. FLASH CUT: Charles’ arm sticks out of the blue water; sputtering, he grabs onto a broken section of a wing as it floats by. DELIA According to survivors, he managed to cling onto a wing. LYDIA (exasperated) Then how exactly did he die!? FLASH CUT: Charles sees a family of survivors -- MOM, DAD, and TWIN GIRLS -- on the roof of the semisubmerged fuselage. They wave. Charles waves. The Twins spot a triangular fin cutting through the waves behind Charles. They point in terror. Charles turns just as the fin drops out of sight. He looks back, shrugs, when a giant SHARK BREACHES, jaws open, and CLAMPS DOWN ON HIM! The family reacts in horror. DELIA A shark lunged out of the water and took him just like that. She claps her hands to mime the beast’s snapping jaws, then wildly sobs again. Lydia is numb with shock. LYDIA I spoke to him on Saturday. He thanked me for the new binoculars. He was so excited. Said he’d observed the mating rituals of the Tuamotu sandpiper. DELIA (between sobs) He flew halfway around the world to watch birds screw on a beach, and it killed him! (then) He hasn’t “reached out” to you? You know, from the other side. Lydia shakes her head. Delia pulls herself together. DELIA Delia Deetz, be strong. (to Lydia) I’ll make the funeral arrangements. I have to come up with a headstone design. He always felt at home in Winter River. We’ll bury him there... well, what’s left of him. Lydia closes her eyes in daunting realization. LYDIA I need to tell Astrid. DELIA (skeptical) How is your daughter? Still as tightly wound as ever? When I was her age, I was living on an ashram in India getting in touch with my inner-self... and indulging in insane amounts of tantric s*x. LYDIA (finally) Honestly, I have no idea. We are barely on speaking terms. DELIA That’s what you get for shipping her off to boarding school. LYDIA That was her idea. She wanted space after Richard... you know. DELIA Keep telling yourself that. (touching her own face) I need to moisturize or I’ll start cracking like a Vermeer. Behind her, Le Tigre storms out of the gallery. EXT. SOHO GALLERY - DAY Le Tigre strides to the corner, still venting into his phone.( NOTE: Le Tigre’s dialogue is all in French with subtitles. ) LE TIGRE This is an outrage! Does she have any idea how valuable my time is!?He’s so engrossed, he doesn’t see the construction cones and OPEN MANHOLE! LE TIGRE I don’t care who died! I exp-- He steps through the hole and drops STRAIGHT OUT OF FRAME! We HEAR THE ECHO OF HIS SCREAM FOLLOWED BY A SICKENING THUD! CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - AFTERLIFE CLOSE ON LE TIGRE’S FACE. PULL BACK TO REVEAL he’s standing in a grim, impossibly long hallway. He now has a MASSIVE BUMP ON HIS HEAD! He looks around perplexed, then hears the MUFFLED STRAINS of The BEE GEES’ Tragedy. He notes a JANITOR (60s) listening to the disco classic on ‘70s-era headphones while he slowly shuffles past. LE TIGRE Hello, monsieur! Where am I?STAY ON THE JANITOR’S BACK AND DON’T REVEAL HIS FACE. JANITOR Waiting Room’s third door on the left. Take a number. Someone will help you... eventually. (moving on, mumbles to himself) Goddamn foreigners. CAMERA FOLLOWS the Janitor as he wheels his decrepit bucket and the mop into... INT. JANITOR’S CLOSET - AFTERLIFE The Janitor parks the mop and reaches for an ancient bottle of Zellex. He twists the cap, chugs it like Gatorade. Only when he turns do we FINALLY SEE HE’S VERY, VERY DEAD. His flesh is the color of mashed peas and his eyes look like balls of curdled milk. He finishes the bottle. OFF his obnoxiously loud burp... INT. LOST-AND-FOUND DEPARTMENT - AFTERLIFE FLUORESCENTS FLICKER, illuminating this Citizen Kane-style warehouse. WATER DRIPS from holes in the roof. RICKETY SCAFFOLDING holds up a section of roof; a worktable sits beneath, covered in rusted tools. A SIGN READS: “UNCLAIMED PARTS: STACKS 183773 - 183774” The shelves rise 50 feet, stuffed with a mishmash of boxes, crates, and jars containing a grizzly collection of body parts, anything from fingers to feet. THE JANITOR lumbers INTO VIEW, futilely polishing the ruined floor with an ELECTRIC FLOOR BUFFER. With the Bee Gees still playing in his ears, he drags the buffer’s FRAYED CORD through a puddle, SHORT CIRCUITING it. He’s blown back feet and a SURGE OF ELECTRICITY CRACKLES up one of the shelving units, causing FOUR OR FIVE CRATES TO TOPPLE AND SMASH OPEN! A WOMAN’S HEAD has fallen out of a crate. Her neck and one arm are still attached. Suddenly, the EYES BLINK OPEN! THIS IS DELORES. SPARKS FIZZ ACROSS the rest of her moth-eaten BODY PARTS as they also SHUDDER TO LIFE! A left hand finger-crawls to help her right leg that’s awkwardly trying to kick out of a fallen box. Once free, the LEG STANDS AND HOPS, tripping over Delores’ torso, which convulses as her dusty lungs pump air for the first time in centuries. Delores’ head and arm spider to the worktable, haul themselves up. In silent obedience, her other body parts skitter and drag each other toward her like a macabre Barrel of Monkeys. Delores’ detached left hand snatches a rusted STAPLE GUN AND BEGINS REASSEMBLING HER. First her wizened lips. THACK. THACK. Then her nose. The SOUND ECHOES LIKE GUNSHOTS. One by one, more body parts are crudely attached. An ear fingers, an arm to her left shoulder. The Janitor sits up and slowly approaches Delores, who is silhouetted on the tabletop, STAPLING THE LAST PIECES OF HERSELF TOGETHER. JANITOR Hey, toots, you shouldn’t be in here! (off her non-reaction) Don’t make me tell you twice! Delores slides off the table, wobbles on her newly attached legs, before stepping into a pool of light. Only now do we SEE her in all of her stapled glory. She’s a demented female Frankenstein’s monster. She grabs the Janitor by the throat. As she DISTENDS HER MOUTH and starts to SHRIEK, TRAGEDY TAKES OVER THE SOUNDTRACK. CUT TO: EXT. NORTHANGER PREP - NEW HAMPSHIRE - DAY This New England boarding school is as pristine as it is elite. FIND ASTRID (16). Her shoulders hunched from the weight of her Sherpa-worthy backpack which is covered in buttons for a multitude of worthy causes. INT. HALL - NORTHHANGER PREP - NEW HAMPSHIRE - DAY She’s at a notice board, stapling a handmade poster into place. It features a painted Earth engulfed in flames under the banner “WAKE UP, WE’RE TOAST! JOIN THE NORTHANGER CLIMATE CREW!” Her PHONE RINGS. LYDIA’S PHOTO FLASHES ON SCREEN under the caller ID “Alleged Mom”. She declines the call, enters... INT. STAIRS - NORTHANGER PREP - DAY Astrid ignores the catty whispers of a clatch of MEAN GIRLS. Opens the door of her room and steps inside, triggering... INT. ASTRID’S DORM ROOM - NORTHANGER PREP - DAY .. A GHOST ON A ROPE to drop from the ceiling, startling her. It’s made from a bed sheet and a sign around its neck reads “Ghost Girl”. She turns as the Mean Girls laugh at their practical joke. ASTRID (glaring) When you’re driving carpool and banging your Pilates instructors to fill the empty void in your liveswe’ll see who has the last laugh! She slams the door. Once she’s alone, Astrid drops the facade. They clearly got to her. She angrily swats the ghost, accidentally sending it flying. IT SMASHES INTO A BOOKCASE, knocking a FRAMED PHOTO ONTO THE FLOOR. Concerned, Astrid retrieves the photo, sees the glass has spider-webbed. ASTRID Perfect. She studies the photo, her face registering nostalgic sadness. It features -YEAR-OLD ASTRID on her father RICHARD’s shoulders (40s). They’re at an anti-war protest, his T-shirt reads “BOOKS NOT BOMBS”. Her PHONE RINGS AGAIN. LYDIA’S FACE LIGHTS UP THE SCREEN. ASTRID Just leave me alone! She stabs “decline” and throws the phone on the bed. INT. SUV - DRIVING - DAY Lydia angrily stares at her phone as the CALL GOES TO VOICEMAIL. Rory drives, Delia in back. They pull through the impressive gates of Northanger Prep. LYDIA Why won’t she pick up? DELIA She’s probably campaigning to get voting rights for baby seals. Or whatever cause she’s adopted this week. LYDIA Hating her mother seems to be a cause that never goes out of style. RORY (to Lydia) Maybe I should tell Astrid about Charles. It might be easier coming from me. Rory clearly gets under Delia’s skin, but she tries to contain herself. DELIA No offense, Rory, but you’re not part of this family. RORY None taken, Delia. I’ll be part of it soon enough. And I can’t wait.(then) By the way, your art show blew my mind. I’m still trying to process how much it impacted me. LYDIA (finally) I’ll talk to Astrid. Okay? Just give me a few minutes with her before you two come up. DELIA (pulls out cell) No, I’ll handle this. INT. ASTRID’S DORM ROOM - NORTHANGER PREP - DAY Astrid is at her desk studying when her PHONE BUZZES. Annoyed, she retrieves it from the bed and is surprised to see a series of TEXTS from Delia. ON HER SCREEN: “LOOK OUT YOUR DAMN WINDOW!” Followed by “RIGHT GODDAMN NOW!” Astrid opens her window to see Lydia and Delia standing outside the SUV. Delia shouts... DELIA GRANDPA’S DEAD! GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE NOW! Mortified, Astrid closes the window. Other STUDENTS look at Delia like she’s crazy. She isn’t having it. DELIA I hope my sad news didn’t “trigger” any of you snowflakes! As the Students scatter, she turns to Lydia and smiles. DELIA I should yell at kids more often. I forgot how much joy it gives me. CUT TO: EXT. DEETZ ARTS CENTER - NORTHANGER PREP - DAY One of Delia’s massive face-hugger sculptures stands in the courtyard of this brand-new arts complex. PAN DOWN TO FIND Lydia, Delia, and Astrid sitting on its base. ASTRID I’m gonna miss Grandpa. He was the only seminormal person in this family. LYDIA (ignoring the barb) We’ll be in Winter River for a couple of weeks. ASTRID A couple of weeks? I thought we were just going for the funeral? LYDIA We need to clear out the old house. ASTRID Grandpa loved that place. DELIA It’s all part of my new grief art project. ASTRID Grief... art? DELIA It’s a new movement, started in a commune in Sweden. The process releases pent-up emotions through artistic expression. Designing your grandfather’s headstone was only the first step in my grieving journey. ASTRID I’d love to be part of your “journey”, but I’m our school rep at the Student Environmental Conference next week. We are presenting our demands for climate- change action. LYDIA Don’t worry, the world will still be burning when you get back. ASTRID I forgot, the only cause you care about is yourself. LYDIA (takes a breath) Nice try, but you’re not going to bait me into an argument. Hurry up and pack, Rory’s waiting. ASTRID Don’t tell me he’s coming too. LYDIA Rory’s my fiancé. You need to give him a chance. Astrid looks at her mother, changes tack. ASTRID I can’t miss that much class, not to mention a tsunami of homework! LYDIA I’ve spoken to the Principal and cleared it. She thinks it’s a great idea too. ASTRID I guess if you donate an entire arts center, the Principal becomes your little puppet on a string. DELIA You can ditch your own inheritance when you’re riding high on that tree hugger salary. Frustrated, Lydia watches as a STUDENT DANCE TROUPE, dressed in Cirque Du Soleil-style costumes, exits the center. She briefly glimpses Beetlejuice in the group! Lydia bolts over, grabs him by the shoulder. LYDIA Why the hell are you stalking me?! Instead of Beetlejuice, she finds she’s looking into the face of a CONFUSED TEEN in a striped b&w suit and mime face paint. She lets him go. As the group shoots her wary looks and heads away, Astrid shakes her head, mortified. ASTRID It’s bad enough everyone knows Lydia Deetz is my mother. Can’t you turn off freak-mode for like one minute? Lydia quickly gets back to business. LYDIA Go pack. ASTRID Why? We both know you’d rather hang out with ghosts than your own daughter. The standoff ends as a fuming Astrid stomps off... CUT TO: INT. BOILER ROOM - AFTERLIFE CLOSE ON BEETLEJUICE His eyes are closed with concentration and his hand is outstretched towards a framed picture of Lydia (circa 1988). REVEAL he’s in a bullpen-style office with 15 desks. It’s a boiler room for his bio-exorcism business. Each desk is manned by a SHRUNKEN HEAD PERSON (aka Shrinker). All look alike and chatter in GIBBERISH on vintage rotary-dial phones. Suddenly, a finger taps his shoulder. His eyes snap open. Pissed, he turns to face a Shrinker. This is BOB. BEETLEJUICE Bob, can’t you see I’M CONCENTRATING HERE?! Bob’s startled by the outburst. Beetlejuice calms, stands, and puts his arm around him. BEETLEJUICE Didn’t mean to snap at you, bud. (re: Lydia’s picture) Long-distance relationships can be a bitch, especially when one of you is dead and the other has spent 30 years ignoring you. (picks it up, smiles) But Lydia and I have a psychic connection and she definitely saw me that time. I felt a little tingle. SOMETHING roach-shaped MOVES under Beetlejuice’s shirt. BEETLEJUICE That’s how you know it’s true love. (off Bob’s blank stare) Why are you bothering me? Bob points to SHRINKER #1, having an animated phone conversation with a potential client. Beetlejuice crosses, sits on the corner of Shrinker #1’s desk. BEETLEJUICE Sell ’em the honeymoon package. I’ll kill the new husband, then possess his ex-wife, make her do kinky shit, and post the pics! SUDDENLY A RED KLAXON LIGHT SPINS ON AND A METAL CONTAINER WHIZZES THROUGH THE LABYRINTHIAN OLD-SCHOOL PNEUMATIC TUBE SYSTEM. Beetlejuice pulls it from the slot. Reads the note inside. Shouts to the bullpen of Shrinkers: BEETLEJUICE I gotta deal with something upstairs. No slacking off! (MORE) BEETLEJUICE (CONT’D) (points to SHRINKER #2) Bob, you’re in charge. Shrinker #2 motions behind Beetlejuice to Bob. BEETLEJUICE Bob! There you are. Never forget a face. He slaps a “Hi, My Name is BOB” sticker on Bob’s chest and exits. INT. WAITING ROOM - AFTERLIFE It hasn’t changed a bit. Bad linoleum, broken furniture, and packed with DEAD PEOPLE, including Le Tigre. The “Take A Number” monitor reads 389,399,459. Beetlejuice is sandwiched between a JOEY CHESTNUT-LIKE GUY (50s), who choked to death during a hot dog eating contest (he has a half-eaten hot dog bun sticking out of his mouth)and a CAT LADY (60s), eaten to death by her FOUR CATS (which are still GNAWING at her while she waits). One of the cats turns and bites Beetlejuice. He looks at the lady. BEETLEJUICE I’m more of a dog person. The clerk is a dead HOT DOG ON A STICK LADY (30s, in the multicolored striped uniform and insane domed hat, with her wrists slashed and throat cut). She points to Beetlejuice. HOT DOG ON A STICK LADY You. Room 515. Now. INT. JACKSON’S OFFICE - AFTERLIFE The Afterlife equivalent of a Police Chief’s office in every ’s cop movie. Beetlejuice enters and finds WOLF JACKSON (60s) behind the desk with a bushy mustache. The left side of his face is burned and shards of shrapnel stick out of his skull. Posters hang on the wall for a 70’s cop franchise called HARDBALLER. (Think Dirty Harry meets Serpico) They featureJackson with his signature bushy mustache holding his gun. They go from “Hardballer” to “ Hardballer VI: Case Closed.” And then a poster from the mid-90s reboot “Frank Hardballer” (a la “John Rambo”) where they brought a character out of retirement. That’s the movie Jackson died on. JACKSON Wolf Jackson, Afterlife Crimes Unit. Jackson gives him a tight smile, gestures to a chair. Beetlejuice plays it cool, sits. BEETLEJUICE (re: movie posters) Lemme take a wild stab -- actor?JACKSON Not just an actor...(points to posters intense) . for six movies and a reboot I became Frank Hardballer. Doing my own stunts was non-negotiable. You know why? Authenticity! A NYPD Vice Cop doesn’t get to a perp’s door then call for some meathead stuntman to bust it down. Neither did I. That’s what makes it real!BEETLEJUICE (re shrapnel) Looks like it got a little too real, bud. JACKSON (ruefully) Wasn’t supposed to be a live grenade. Jackson picks up a massive file marked “Beetlejuice”. JACKSON Your name came up in a case I’m investigating. Jackson dramatically slides a grainy b&w security image of Delores in front of him. JACKSON Recognize her? Beetlejuice’s EYES LITERALLY POP OUT ON LOONEY TOON STALKS as he takes in Delores’ face. Once his EYES SNAP BACK INTO THEIR SOCKETS, he lies without missing a beat... BEETLEJUICE Nah. Never seen that chick before in my life. Or Afterlife. CUT TO: “BEETLEJUICE IS MINE!” scrawled on a wall in giant green goo letters. INT. LOST-AND-FOUND department - AFTERLIFE PULL BACK TO REVEAL Beetlejuice and Jackson standing in front of the graffiti. Behind them, a DEAD CSI CREW records the crime scene, which is just a pool of green goo. JACKSON Any idea why my suspect wrote your name in this schmo’s goo? BEETLEJUICE Could be a super-fan, could be a stalker. You know how it is, Wolfguys like you and me, we drive the ladies wild. They’ll do anything to grab our attention. JACKSON (indicates several open crates) She collected all her body parts. My call, she’s out for revenge. (re: words on wall) And you seem to be numero uno on her hit list. BEETLEJUICE She wouldn’t be the first woman who’s wanted to kill me. And it’s kinda hard to kill a dead guy! Beetlejuice laughs a bit too hard. JACKSON This one can. She’s a soul sucker. BEETLEJUICE (under his breath) You can say that again. JACKSON My advice -- lay low. She gets her hands on you, you’re dead-dead. (MORE) JACKSON (CONT’D) And there’s no coming back from that, comprende?27 INT. BOILER ROOM - AFTERLIFE The Shrinkers sit at their desks watching Beetlejuice frenetically pace. Like spectators at a tennis match, the Shrinkers’ heads pivot from left to right as they track him. BEETLEJUICE My ex-wife is back! (off their blank expressions) I know what you’re thinking. Juice, when were you ever tied down? What woman could keep you satisfied? FLASHBACK TO 1340. ( Note: The flashback’s in b&w. ) CAMERA SLIPS THROUGH thick mist and black smoke TO REVEAL a bleak wasteland. Lit by braziers, FIGURES cloaked in blackwearing beak-shaped leather plague masks, toss bloated bodies off wooden carts into vast open pits. BEETLEJUICE (V.O.) We met during the Black Plague. As they move off with the empty carts, CAMERA DIVES INTO THE PIT as a FAMILIAR FIGURE squeezes up through the bodies and begins picking the pockets of the dead. Even in his pre-ghost form, he is instantly recognizable. IT’S BEETLEJUICE. He nimbly steals necklaces, rings, leather coin purses from the bodies until a dark shadow falls across him. He turns to see a TOWERING FIGURE standing on the pit’s edge, glowering at him through a plague mask. The Figure pulls off its mask, revealing a striking female face. It’s Delores. BEETLEJUICE (V.O.) Her name was Delores and it was lust at first sight. CUT TO: CAMERA SWEEPS through the window of a ruined monastery. Beetlejuice stands next to a HOODED PAGAN at a Gothic altar illuminated by a hundred candles. He’s got a live chicken tucked under each arm and a goat is tethered next to him. BEETLEJUICE (V.O.) We didn’t have what you’d call a traditional wedding. ORGAN MUSIC BOOMS as the doors fly open and Delores enters, BACKLIT BY LIGHTNING. She’s in an insane black wedding dress and a veil covers her face. BEETLEJUICE (V.O.) We drank each other’s blood, bit the heads off a couple of chickensand sacrificed a goat. Beetlejuice and Delores bite the heads off chickens and toast them like wine glasses. A LIGHTNING FLASH TAKES US TO: BEETLEJUICE’S WEDDING NIGHT. A THUNDERSTORM RAGES. The happy couple stands in front of a monumental four-poster bed. BEETLEJUICE (V.O.) I figured our wedding night was gonna be killer. But it ended up being a double murder! Delores hands Beetlejuice a goblet of red wine. They clink, drink, and TOSS THEIR GLASSES INTO THE FIRE THAT RAGES. Suddenly woozy, Beetlejuice holds his head. Looks at Delores, who’s laughing manically. She shows him the label of the wine bottle. It features a skull and crossbones. BEETLEJUICE (V.O.) Turns out Delores was in a death cult. That soul-sucking psycho had her black heart set on us spending eternity together! CUT BACK TO: INT. BOILER ROOM - AFTERLIFE BEETLEJUICE I’m into some freaky shit, but even I have my limitations... so we parted ways. Swinging up his right hand, he’s now clutching a butcher’s cleaver which he slams into the wooden tabletop -- WHAACK! OFF the startled Shrinkers lurching back in their chairs. BEETLEJUICE Now Delores is back and pissed. My only way out is to get married to my true love up there. CUT TO: EXT. CEMETERY - WINTER RIVER - DAY OVER BLACK, we HEAR an A CAPPELLA VERSION OF Day-O. CAMERA RISES from behind a shark fin-shaped headstone TO REVEAL Lydia, Delia, Astrid, Rory, and a crowd of MOURNERS at the end of Charles’ burial service. A white-steepled church glowers in the b. g. FATHER DAMIEN (50s) gives the blessing. FATHER DAMIEN So it is written, so it shall be done. From dust thou art, to dust thou shalt return.(makes sign of the cross) In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Ghost. The WINTER RIVER COMMUNITY GOSPEL CHOIR sings as Charles’ coffin is lowered. EXT. CEMETERY - DAY (LATER) Lydia and Delia stand with Father Damien. Rory crosses, nods Lydia towards Astrid who is sitting alone on a bench. As Lydia heads over to Astrid, Delia stares at Charles. Father Damien steps beside her. DELIA Charles is gone... She dabs her eyes, still can’t believe it. FATHER DAMIEN Be comforted in the knowledge that he is in far better place. Angels are guiding him towards the everlasting light. May his soul fly through the Heavenly Gates like the birds he so adored, and soar over the Fields of Elysian to the glory that is thine. ANGLE ON ASTRID as Lydia approaches. ASTRID I haven’t been to a funeral since Dad’s. LYDIA Death is hard. ASTRID Sometimes I think living is harder. Lydia senses Astrid’s distress and it kills her. LYDIA If you want to talk to that therapist again... ASTRID There you go, trying to sidestep any conversation about him. LYDIA Astrid... I loved your dad. But our relationship had been over for a long time before his accident. There’s an awkward silence. ASTRID I still don’t understand why you can’t “see” dad.(off Lydia’s head shake) Why not?LYDIA I wish I knew. But this ability didn’t exactly come with instructions. It all started here when I was your age. ASTRID Ironic, don’t you think? You can apparently see any random ghost for your shitty TV show, but the one that really matters to me... he’s invisible. As she walks away, CAMERA STAYS ON Lydia, crushed... EXT. DEETZ HOUSE - DAY Like a morbid Christo installation, the iconic house is draped in black gauze from top to bottom. A stream of Mourners carries pot-luck dishes, passing through an opening in the giant veil that allows access to the front porch. INT. DEETZ HOUSE - DAY CLOSE ON A PAINTING OF CHARLES. It sits on an easel by the dining room table. Mourners converse in hushed whispers as they pile their plates from the spread. Astrid’s alone, perusing the dessert table. Rory talks to Father Damien, excuses himself, and steps next to Astrid playing his part with forced earnestness. RORY If you need to process your emotions, I’m here to talk. Astrid takes a bite of an éclair, burps in his face. ASTRID Emotions processed. Thanks. RORY I saw you at your dad’s grave. I’m sure he was a great dude... and death is... tragic, especially when great dudes die. If you ever need to cry or, I don’t know emotionally purge. I am so there. I can be that great dude for you. Astrid just wants to get as far away from him as possible. ASTRID I’m good. RORY Times like this can bring people closer. I really admire you Astrid. You’re smart and socially engaged. And I would just like to be an ally to you and your causes.(off Astrid) I even wrote you a poem... I can’t remember it, but it was beautiful. ASTRID Cut the crap, Rory. I’m not buying your New Age, yoga-retreat bullshit. I see you, okay? You’re not anyone’s ally. My mom’s a broken person, a delusional fantasist who you’re exploiting. If she wants to let that happenthen it’s on her. OFF Rory as she walks away... EXT. PORCH - DEETZ HOUSE - DAY Delia and Lydia greet Mourners, including Father Damien. JANE BUTTERFIELD (40s, realtor, professional busybody, and Little Jane from the first movie) approaches with her Asian-American daughter JANE (, smarty pants). They are dressed in matching black pant suits. DELIA Well, if it isn’t “little” Jane Butterfield. (re: daughter) And “littler” Jane. JANE It’s Jane Butterfield-Lee now. We hyphenated. DELIA (looking past Jane distracted) Sorry, dear, I’m keeping an eye out for all the A-list mourners. LITTLER JANE Why is your house covered in black fabric?DELIA It’s a mourning shroud, do you like it? It’s a symbolic expression of my pain and sorrow after losing the love of my life. The explanation is greeted by bafflement. Jane breaks it by holding up two six-packs of beer in fancy dark bottles with labels reading “Winter River Brewery”. JANE Sample from my wifey’s microbrewery. Figured you needed something stronger to go with all the lasagnas and casseroles. LYDIA (impressed) Microbrewery. Wow. JANE I know. Winter River isn’t so small anymore. We even have a vegan restaurant. (then) (MORE) JANE (CONT’D) We’re like Brooklyn. Only without the annoying hipsters. DELIA When Charles and I showed up here in the late ‘80s, we felt like explorers discovering a new world. Bringing culture to a savage land. LITTLER JANE I was taught that colonizers are evil. DELIA We’re the good colonizers, sweetiewe brought this backwater art galleries and cronuts. Littler Jane’s still perplexed as Jane changes the subject. JANE I can’t wait to start showing this house. DELIA Not until my grief exploration is complete.(motioning to house) These walls are my emotional canvas. Jane can barely contain her excitement even at a wake. Real estate is her life. JANE Well, the buyers are already lining up! And we have Lydia to thank for that! You put Winter River on the map! Everyone wants a piece of the original Ghost House! ASTRID (O.S.) There are no such things as ghosts. All turn to Astrid, who overheard the conversation. ASTRID (pointedly, to Lydia) Only gullible people believe in them. But whatever pays the bills right mom?Just then, Rory steps out. RORY Could I have everyone’s attention please!! Everyone murmurs to silence. Delia looks at Lydia: “What the hell is this?” Lydia clearly has no idea. RORY Today we are here to celebrate the life of an extraordinary manCharles Deetz. I only had the pleasure of meeting Charles a couple of times. Delia tries to shut this down. DELIA Charles didn’t want any speeches!He hated public displays of emotion!RORY (undeterred) He was also a man who always chose to live his fullest life. So I am taking a page out of his book. He turns to Lydia, who’s confused. RORY Lydia, I know we agreed we’d take it slow and wait to pick a wedding date. But I can’t wait anymore. (dropping to one knee) Let’s get married on Halloween! It’s your favorite holiday! LYDIA (totally blindsided) But... that’s in two days!RORY I know! I already spoke to Father Damien, the church is available. FATHER DAMIEN The Lord’s sanctuary is welcome to all who seek salvation andeverlasting glory... just not next Saturday before noon. DELIA You’re seriously doing this in the middle of Charles’ wake!? RORY In the face of death, I choose life! Lydia, I want to spend the rest of mine with you. Let’s make it official! What do you say? LYDIA Rory... I don’t know. I can’t commit to this right now. Rory looks like he was punched. RORY You’re right. I’m sorry. This wasn’t the right time or place. I’m just feeling so vulnerable. Losing you is is my worst nightmare... LYDIA I’m not going anywhere. RORY (takes a deep breath) I just thought you’d feel the same way. That you’d want to finally take the bungee jump into life’s great adventure strapped next tome. No safety net. Just us. But if your feelings have changed... LYDIA Rory. I love you. RORY Then what are you waiting for?All eyes are on her. She feels the pressure. LYDIA Okay... sure. Why not? The Mourners awkwardly applaud as Rory hugs Lydia. Disgusted, Astrid exits. EXT. DEETZ HOUSE - DAY Upset, Astrid grabs Lydia’s old bike from the garage. Lydia comes down the steps. LYDIA Astrid. Wait! Astrid hops on and takes off. As she speeds down the hill towards town, OFF Lydia, concerned... EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY DRONE SHOT FOLLOWS Astrid as she pedals. The woods on either side shimmer in violent autumnal hues. She rides through the familiar red covered bridge, the same one the Maitlands crashed through all those years ago, and heads into... EXT. MAIN STREET - DAY The town’s dinky charm has only been amplified by Halloween. The shops have themed displays and the tops of the street lights have been transformed into giant jack-o’-lanterns. EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY Astrid zooms past pretty suburban houses decorated with plastic spider webs, inflatable zombies, and front-yard graveyards. She isn’t paying attention until A BLARING CAR HORN snaps her back to reality. To avoid the oncoming minivan, Astrid swerves into the alley that runs behind the houses... EXT. ALLEY - DAY .. only to find she’s now on a collision course with a garbage truck! She frantically squeezes the BRAKES, but they futilely SCREECH against the wheels. Inches from impact, she twists the handlebars, SMASHES THROUGH AN OLD SLAT FENCE. EXT. BACK YARD - JEREMY’S HOUSE - DAY Astrid EXPLODES INTO VIEW IN A SHOWER OF WOOD AND SPLINTERS. She’s in the overgrown back yard of a sad-looking house. The FRONT TIRE CATCHES on a low brick wall, CATAPULTING HER over the handlebars. She FLIES THROUGH THE AIR, lands on her back at the foot of a dead oak tree. Splayed and groaning, she hears MUSIC. Groggy, she opens her eyes, sees A TEEN BOY sitting cross-legged in a dilapidated tree fort above her. He’s intense, wears a black turtleneck, and is so engrossed in his book and music, he didn’t even hear the crash. This is JEREMY (17). ASTRID Hey, you alive up there? Surprised, he STABS OFF THE BOOM BOX, peers over the platform where he sees Astrid lying next to her bike, its front tire mangled. He immediately stuffs the book under his arm and scrambles down the ladder rungs nailed into the tree’s trunk. JEREMY Holy crap! You okay? Astrid winces as he helps her up. ASTRID I’ll live. (re: book) What are you reading? JEREMY Crime and Punishment. ASTRID Read it three times. JEREMY Bullshit. ASTRID (quoting) “Pain and suffering are always inevitable.” JEREMY She quotes Dostoevsky. Where the hell have you been all my life? EXT. TREE HOUSE - JEREMY’S HOUSE - DUSK Astrid and Jeremy sit side by side, legs dangling off the platform, watching the dying sun bleed over the houses. ASTRID How long have you lived in Winter River? JEREMY My whole life. Haven’t seen you around before. ASTRID This is a temporary layover for my grandpa’s funeral. Although my mom’s janky fiancé turned it into a de facto engagement party by announcing their wedding date. JEREMY That’s... different. ASTRID If you knew my mom, that’s actually on-brand for her. JEREMY So your dad’s not in the picture anymore? ASTRID (shaking head) He was a free spirit and defender of hopeless causes. After my parents split, he moved to Brazil... wanted to help save the rainforest. My mom grew up here. (points) In that old house on the hill. He follows her finger to the Deetz House, which is SILHOUETTED in the orange glow of the setting sun. JEREMY (incredulous excitement) Wait... the Ghost House? Your mom’s Lydia Deetz?ASTRID Unfortunately. JEREMY She’s a legend. ASTRID If you believe in supernatural bullshit. JEREMY You don’t? ASTRID I only believe in what I can see. Science. Facts. Astrid’s PHONE VIBRATES. She sees a series of TEXTS from Lydia: “WHERE DID YOU GO?”, “COME BACK NOW!”, “ANSWER ME!!” ASTRID (sighs) Back to the insanity. Sorry about your fence. Tell your parents my mom will pay for it. JEREMY Don’t sweat it. Not like they will probably even notice. (as she gets up) I’ll be here tomorrow if you want a break from the madness. CUT TO: INT. DRY CLEANERS - AFTERLIFE Straight out of the 1970s. CLOSE ON AN AUTOMATED GARMENT CONVEYER. Cheap polyester half-suits, faded silk dresses, bullet- riddled military uniforms, and burial shrouds WHIR PAST. All are time-worn, worm-eaten, and dirt-stained. No surprise since the establishment’s dead customers were buried in them. The proprietor, MINA (60s, Chinese) SLOWS THE CONVEYOR TO A STOP, Mina pulls a tuxedo jacket off the rack, and the BELL ABOVE THE DOOR JANGLES. MINA We’re closed. CLOSE ON TWO SOAKING LOAFERS sloshing across the floortowards the counter. SLOWLY RISE UP HIS BODY. CHARLES (O. S.)Sorry to trouble you, my name is Charles Deetz. I need of some dry clothes. I’ve been in some kind of accident. Feeling a little light headed. Only when Mina, annoyed, turns to face this disobedient customer DO WE REVEAL that it’s CHARLES DEETZ! HIS HEAD IS COMPLETELY MISSING HAVING BEEN BITTEN OFF BY THE SHARK!CHARLES I’m not even sure where I am. Where am I? Mina shakes her head, walks around the counter. MINA Damn newbies. (to Charles) You’re looking for the waiting room. Mina ushers him out the door. CHARLES (to himself) I need to get home. That’s right. My wife Delia will be furious if I’m late. Home. That’s where I have to go. As he exits leaving a trail of watery boot prints, Mina sighs, annoyed, twists the lock, pulls the shade. She steps back behind the counter when she hears a RUSTLE from the bowels of the clothes’ conveyor. She goes to investigate. Mina Hey, who’s back there? Suddenly, a distorted FIGURE appears through the reams of dry cleaning plastic hanging behind him. As she turnsDELORES bursts through the plastic sheeting like a creature erupting from a cocoon, grabs Mina by the neck. As Delores SHRIEKS... INT. BOILER ROOM - AFTERLIFE The Shrinkers stack desks against the door. Beetlejuice glances up as he pours through the Afterlife Times. BEETLEJUICE Higher, boys, Delores can’t get through that door! Someone taps him on the shoulder. He spins to find Bob, who has been TRANSFORMED INTO A SHRUNKEN-HEAD VERSION OF BEETLEJUICE, down to the costume -- wild hair, white face, and black circles around his eyes. BEETLEJUICE Whoa. Bob, is that you? It’s like staring in a mirror. (then) You’re my decoy, you need to stay in front of me at all times. That way, Delores will suck your soul while I make my escape. Bob proudly nods his compliance. Beetlejuice turns the page of his newspaper. He excitedly jumps up. BEETLEJUICE Holy Smokin’ Caterpillars!He holds up CHARLES’ OBITUARY to Bob BEETLEJUICE Ding dong the Deetz is dead!!Bob just looks at him blankly. Beetlejuice smiles as the plan comes together in his head. BEETLEJUICE Don’t you see? Fate is throwing me a bone! The winds of destiny are finally blowing me and Lydia together. If I marry her, she’s my true love ticket out of here!(re: framed photo of Lydia) Bet she’s aged like a fine ‘80s prno. CUT TO: EXT. DEETZ HOUSE - WINTER RIVER - MORNING Rory jogs up holding a stack of flattened moving boxes over his head. He segues to a set of lunges as he heads towards the front door. Suddenly, he hears a BLOOD-CURDLING SCREAM! INT. DEETZ HOUSE - MORNING CLOSE ON DELIA as she screams hysterically. Lydia and Astrid race in, concerned. LYDIA Delia, what happened? REVEAL Delia has a camera set up on a tripod and studio lights. She’s taking self-portraits. DELIA I’m trying to capture the perfect primal scream. (points to a wall) I’m going to blow it up, hang it right over there, and create my own wailing wall. ASTRID So this is still part of your... grief thing. DELIA (nods) This house holds so many wonderful memories that your grandfather and I shared together. LYDIA I thought you hated it here. DELIA Yes, at first I did. It felt like a stifling hillbilly Guantanamo. But after a while, I learned to love it. Maybe it’s Stockholm syndrome. Rory enters with the moving boxes. RORY I heard screaming, everything okay? (off Lydia’s nod) Jogged into town and picked these up. I was able to combine cardio with an upper-body workout, not to mention knocking a chore off my mental to-do list. Delia stares at him blankly, then exits. LYDIA Ignore her. Thank you, Rory, that was very thoughtful. Astrid, can you give him a hand? Astrid rolls her eyes. Rory gulps a bottle of Kombucha. RORY I’ve arranged for the movers to come next week. That’ll give us a few days to go through the housebox up anything you want to keep. (low, to Lydia) We should really head back after the wedding and finish those episodes. ASTRID (goading) Maybe Mom can get the ghost couple in the attic to give us a hand. (off Lydia) Grandpa used to tell me stories about them when I was little. Said that’s why I wasn’t allowed up there. LYDIA Adam and Barbara Maitland. They aren’t here anymore. ASTRID What happened, they find a better house to haunt? LYDIA We discovered a loophole and they were able to move on. ASTRID (deeply skeptical) How convenient. OFF Lydia, wounded, watching Astrid exit up the stairs. INT. ATTIC - DEETZ HOUSE - DAY A dusty sheet is whipped off the model of Winter River. It’s exactly as Adam Maitland left it. ASTRID’S FACE FILLS THE FRAME as she studies it, enchanted. A RUSTLE, she spins to find a A FLYER FLUTTERING to the floor. She scans it curiously. ANGLE ON FLYER: It features Beetlejuice, in a Hugh Hefner-style b&w silk robe, lying on a heart-shaped bed. Under the photo are the words “LOOKING FOR A LOVE CONNECTION? CALL BEETLEJUICE!” ASTRID Eww. Something catches her eye. A dusty box tucked away in a corner. Her father’s name “RICHARD” is written in black Sharpie on the side. She drops the flyer on a chair. CUT TO: INT. ATTIC - DEETZ HOUSE - DAY ASTRID sits, lifts the lid off the box, revealing it’s filled with old photo albums. With gentle reverence, she pulls one out. She flips through them, stops on one featuring a YOUNGER LYDIA, pregnant, outside a movie theater. LYDIA (O. S.) Thought I’d lost those. Astrid turns as her mom steps in and joins her. LYDIA (re: photo) That was at an all-night Mario Bava horror fest. (MORE) LYDIA (CONT’D) I was nine months pregnant with you. My water broke during Black Sunday. ASTRID Dad’s favorite movie. (re: albums) Can I keep them? Lydia nods as Astrid stands, points to the model. ASTRID I also want that model of Winter River. Did Grandpa make it?LYDIA (masks her mixed feelings) That belonged to the Maitlands. You remember, the “nonexistent” ghost couple? Astrid looks at her mom, touché. Lydia spots the discarded flyer. Grabs it. Slow panic rises as she reads it. ASTRID Found that on the floor. Talk about gross. Who’s Beetlejuice?LYDIA (angrily snapping) NEVER say that name again! Not ever. Astrid doesn’t understand her mom’s 180-degree turn. ASTRID Beetlejuice. What’s the big deal? LYDIA ASTRID! I’m serious! If you say that name three times, really bad stuff is going to happen. Lydia snatches her daughter’s arm, hustles her to the door. ASTRID Let me go! LYDIA This attic is off-limits. Do you understand?! Astrid shakes free, hurt and baffled by her mom’s reaction. ASTRID That you’re impossible? Yeah, I got it. Astrid storms down the stairs. Lydia looks at the flyer again, shakes her head before slamming the door. The NEON BEETLEJUICE SIGN OMINOUSLY BLINKS TO LIFE in the miniature graveyard. EXT. DECK - DEETZ HOUSE - DAY Lydia downs a pill, closes her eyes, and takes long, measured breaths. Delia steps out and joins her. DELIA I take it the mother/daughter bonding time crashed and burned. (off Lydia’s breathing) What exactly is happening here? LYDIA Breathing exercises. Learned them at the survivor retreat where Rory and I met. DELIA Wait, that’s an actual thing? I thought it was code for rehab. LYDIA I was working through my unresolved feelings for Richard and Rory’s fiancée died in a ski accident. We were both in the same sorrow circle and just... connected. He saw me in a way that nobody has in a long time. DELIA I think I need a sorrow circle for that story. Darling, ever since we got here, you’ve been popping pills like PEZ. LYDIA You try spending everyday seeing ghosts. Delia studies Lydia, sees the strain on her face, softens. DELIA I think Rory’s...(chooses words carefully) (MORE) DELIA (CONT’D).. a lot. But if he makes you feel special. LYDIA He does. The way Dad made you feel special. I need that in my life.(off Delia) But this isn’t about him.(hands her flyer) Astrid found this in the attic. DELIA (studies it, shocked) You bid good riddance to him 30 years ago. LYDIA I know... but every once in a while I feel his presence. Like he’s lurking just out of reach. Then lately... I’ve been seeing him again. I was sure it was just in my head, but this... DELIA Lydia, at a certain point you need to take back your life. From the ghosts and... (re: Beetlejuice flyer).. this thing. Where’s the obnoxious little Goth girl who tormented me all those years ago? You need to find her again. The women share a moment until they hear a DOOR SLAM. They watch as Astrid exits the house and heads down the hill. LYDIA Where’s she going? DELIA No idea. But let her be. She probably needs a break from us. LYDIA You mean a break from me. Somehow Richard’s death is still my fault. DELIA You blamed me for your mother. LYDIA I didn’t blame you, I resented you. There’s a difference. And you barely acknowledged my existence! DELIA I feel ever since you sold out and became famous, we’ve gotten closer. INT. JEREMY’S HOUSE - DAY Decorated in shades of stale mustard, it’s in desperate need of a remodel. Jeremy leads Astrid through the back door. Astrid hears Jeremy’s Mom in the kitchen. JEREMY’S MOM (O. S.) Jeremy, is that you? JEREMY Mom, I’ll be upstairs with a friend. The TV BLARES as they walk past the den. Astrid catches a glimpse of JEREMY’S DAD through the half-cracked door. He’s got his back to her, sitting in a faded La-Z-Boy, empty beer cans on the side table. Jeremy shakes his head, embarrassed. JEREMY He practically lives in that room. INT. JEREMY’S ATTIC BEDROOM - JEREMY’S HOUSE - DAY Astrid is sifting through one of a dozen milk crates of neatly ordered albums. ASTRID You got a real thing for ‘90s vinyl. You find this stuff on eBay? She scans the rock posters that plaster the walls, steps to his overstuffed bookcase. She runs her finger over a few of the bindings. Most are hardbacks. All are vintage. JEREMY I troll old record stores. I don’t trust what I can’t touch. The teens share an awkward smile, then Astrid spots a book sitting on his night stand. Looks at the cover curiously. ASTRID Handbook for the Recently Deceased? JEREMY Found that at some yard sale here in town. Illustrations are pretty gnarly. She opens it to a page with an illustration of the Grim Reaper slicing a man with its scythe. The teens laugh. ASTRID It’s the kind of crappy book my mom would write or have ghost- written... pardon the pun. (then) So what’s the deal with your parents? JEREMY My mom spends every waking hour in the kitchen stress baking. My dad worked at the paper mill until he had an accident and became a full- time couch potato. (stares out the window) I can’t wait to get out of this shitty town. (then) With a famous mom, you must have gone to a lot of places, seen the world. ASTRID Not really. My dad was the traveler. He and I were planning a big trip to the spookiest places on Earth. Everything from the Tower of London to Dracula’s Castle. But we never got to go. JEREMY (gentle) What happened? ASTRID Boat accident. They searched the Amazon for a week, never found his body. JEREMY You really miss him... your dad. ASTRID (nodding sadly) I wish I could talk to him one last time... say goodbye. (MORE) ASTRID (CONT’D) (embarrassed) I know that makes me sound like the saddest cliché. JEREMY Can’t your mom, you know, like contact him? ASTRID She “claims” she can’t see him. JEREMY Why not? ASTRID Because she’s a fraud! Sometimes I wish she died and Dad lived... then I feel terrible for even thinking that. JEREMY Hey, sometimes I wish my parents were dead too. I think every teenager feels like that sometimes. He puts his hand on hers. There’s clearly a connection. JEREMY Tomorrow’s Halloween. ASTRID I know. Used to be my favorite holiday. My dad would go all out making me totally age-inappropriate costumes. I went as Munch’s “The Scream” in second grade. (incredulous) Now it’ll be my mother’s wedding day which definitely moves it to the bottom of the list. JEREMY What time is the wedding? ASTRID Midnight. The witching hour. My future stepdad’s lame idea. JEREMY (getting an idea) Then come over earlier... in costume. Just for a few hours. ASTRID (smiles) Aren’t we a little old for Trick-or- Treating? JEREMY Never. Everyone in Winter River dresses up. Only thing they get right in this town. Maybe we could order pizza and give out candy. (off her hesitation) Only if you want. No pressure. OFF her delighted nod... CUT TO: INT. DRY CLEANERS - A SERIES OF SHOTS - AFTERLIFE TIGHT ON the conveyer. CLOTHES WHIP BY until a stitched hand snatches one as it passes. It’s a magnificent white wedding dress. If you don’t look too hard, you almost won’t see the faded blood stains. TIGHT ON a sewing machine as Delores alters the dress. She shears off strips, rips off a sleeve, raises the hem, etc. TIGHT ON Delores as she slides on the finished dress. As the FABRIC touches her dead flesh, it TURNS MIDNIGHT BLACK. PUSH IN as her stapled fingers apply makeup. Only when Delores turns to face a full-length mirror do we FINALLY GET A FULL-BODY VIEW. She is truly the BRIDE OF BEETLEJUICE! As she strides to the door, her wild eyes are gripped with psychotic purpose. DELORES I’m coming, my beloved. CUT TO: INT. CHARLES’ STUDY - DEETZ HOUSE - WINTER RIVER - DAY Rory peers DIRECTLY AT CAMERA, horrified by something. REVERSE TO REVEAL the mahogany bookshelves are stuffed to the gills with taxidermy birds of every shape and size, staring straight ahead with their dead black eyes. He turns to Lydia, who’s sitting at Charles’ desk absentmindedly bubble-wrapping his bird whistles. RORY What is up with these creepy birds? LYDIA Bird watching was Dad’s passion. Rory takes that in, decides to change tack. RORY I contacted that vintage shop you like in Soho and they’re sending up a few potential wedding dresses. They should be here later today. Lydia looks up, last thing on her mind. LYDIA Great... thank you. RORY I also may or may not have leaked our big news to a few outlets. Thought we could sell exclusive photos. You are the queen of all things spooky, after all. Could be great press for the show. LYDIA (with a tight smile) You know I’m excited to tie the knot, but could we please just keep it small and private? RORY (letting it go, but clearly bummed) Sure, absolutely. It’s your day... or in this case -- night. Suddenly, Lydia’s CELL PINGS WILDLY. She looks at it in horror as an onslaught of BEETLEJUICE FACEBOOK ADS floods her home screen! Followed by JUNK TEXTS advertising his dating services. The words “LOVE MATCH FOUND” flashfollowed by a grinning photo of Beetlejuice. Lydia drops the phone like it’s possessed and exits. RORY Lydia? What’s going on? Rory follows, bewildered. INT. ATTIC - DEETZ HOUSE - DAY Lydia storms over to the model town and screams... LYDIA I want you out of my life! Do you hear me?! Rory observes from the doorway, concerned. RORY Lydia, who are you yelling at? LYDIA (making a decision) Remember when we went to that couples’ therapist, Dr. Glickman? He said I was holding something back. And until I faced it, you and I would never evolve.(off his encouraging nod) He was right. So I’m going to tell you now. Fair warning it’s going to sound batshit crazy. Are you okay with that? RORY This is good, Lydia. Let’s finally break through that barrier together. LYDIA Give me a sec. She takes a deep breath. He steps closer. LYDIA When I was a teenager, a trickster demon terrorized my family and tried to force me to marry him. I believed he was gone forever, but lately, I’ve been seeing him again. (hands him the flyer) I thought it was in my head, but now he’s actually back, and I don’t know why or what to do. Rory studies the flyer, not sure how to react. RORY You’re saying that someone called Beetlejuice -- LYDIA (slaps her hand over his mouth) NEVER say his name. If you say it three times, then he will appear. RORY (patronizing smirk) Okay, this... ”demon” is clearly a construct of your own unpacked trauma. Trauma that you need to face. Honey, hiding from it will only make it worse. LYDIA (eye-rolls, frustrated) He’s not a construct! He’s literally a demon! RORY Lydia, I know this is a big step for you. So in the words of Dr. Glickman -- let me give you the push you need. (without warning) Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!Before Lydia can stop him, both are TRANSPORTED INTO... EXT. MODEL TOWN - DAY Rory and Lydia stand, disoriented. They’re now PINT-SIZE. Rory regards the green foam grass and the giant model houses in fearful bewilderment. RORY What... just... happened? LYDIA We’re in the model! RORY That’s not possible. CAMERA 360’s as they look for a way out. But as IT COMES FULL CIRCLE, REVEAL an AMBULANCE CHASER-STYLE BILLBOARD now towers in front of them. It features a cheesy image of Beetlejuice. “YOU GOT PROBLEMS? SO DO I. LET’S TALK. #1 COUPLE’S THERAPIST!” RORY What the hell? LYDIA (pissed) I told you not to say his name! A neon arrow lights up at the base of the billboard, pointing straight down. The words “DROP IN NOW!” flash on. Suddenly, a TRAPDOOR opens directly below Lydia and Rory! They SCREAM as they fall into blackness like Alice into the rabbit hole. STAY WITH LYDIA AND RORY as they plummet. Disturbing Dali-esque projections strobe the walls until the duo drops onto A COUCH! They’re now in... INT. SHRINK’S OFFICE - MODEL TOWN The high-backed executive chair in front of them swivels REVEALING BEETLEJUICE. He’s in a preppy Brooks Brothers sweater and tan slacks. Looks every inch a couple’s therapist. Rory is apoplectic, turns to Lydia. RORY Is that...? LYDIA Yes! That’s Beetlejui--! With a wave of his hand, Beetlejuice STITCHES HER MOUTH SHUT. He offers Rory a black-toothed grin. BEETLEJUICE In the rotting flesh. (to Lydia) No need to speak, baby. I can feel your love. I’ll let you feel mine later. With a finger snap, he MORPHS INTO HIS SIGNATURE B&W SUIT. RORY Let us out of here! BEETLEJUICE What’s the rush, pal? You two came to me to spill your guts. So who wants to start? Lydia’s mouth is still sewn shut, Rory is flummoxed. BEETLEJUICE (shakes his head) Fine, I’ll go first. He opens his jacket and his GUTS LITERALLY POUR OUT OF HIS CHEST AND SPLAT ONTO THE FLOOR IN A STEAMING GRAY PILE. Rory dry-heaves while Lydia looks away, disgusted. BEETLEJUICE See, I’m willing to do the work. Really dig deep inside myself. You both need to get in touch with your inner child. Mine will be along in just a jiffy. LYDIA’S STOMACH BEGINS TO SWELL, bulging like the aluminum foil of a Jiffy Pop popcorn pan! She winces as it EXPLODES and BABY BEETLEJUICE (6 months old) IS EJECTED IN A SPRAY OF GREEN OOZE. The kid’s a dead ringer for his papa down to his wild hair, black-ringed eyes, and b&w onesie. BEETLEJUICE (picks up Baby by its onesie) Everybody says the little squirt’s got my eyes. But I don’t see it. He holds out the kid, its EYES BULGING an inch from Rory, who reels backward. Beetlejuice DROP-KICKS THE BABY. It lands by Lydia. Starts biting her leg like an untrained Chihuahua. BEETLEJUICE (shooing it) Scram, kid! (returns his attention to Rory) Did Lydia tell you about us? It was a whirlwind romance. 5, minutes tops. But then she left me standing at the altar. Felt like a sandworm swallowed me whole. Oh wait... it did. He snaps his fingers and her mouth returns to normal. LYDIA I was 16 and you tricked me! BEETLEJUICE (to Rory) Underage brides were all the rage when I was growing up in the ‘70s. The 1270s! Rory finally stands, still trying to make sense of this insanity. RORY Okay, you are clearly some figment of my imagination! BEETLEJUICE Oh yeah? Is this a figment of your imagination!? CAMERA STAYS ON RORY as Beetlejuice turns, drops trou and MOONS HIM. We hear a GIGANTIC FART!BEETLEJUICE Thar she blows!Rory starts screaming, turns, and runs straight into the wall, knocking himself out! Lydia races over, bends to check on him. LYDIA (to Beetlejuice) Stay away from us! BEETLEJUICE Lydia, why do you keep fighting destiny? We’re like star-crossed lovers. You’re Venus, I’m Jupiter. (thinking) Or maybe I’m Uranus. (off Lydia’s disgust) I know you felt our psychic connection. LYDIA (realizing) That WAS you stalking me? BEETLEJUICE If stalking means I want to remarry the love of my life, then yep, I’ma stalker. LYDIA (repulsed) I wouldn’t marry you if you were the last corpse on Earth! BEETLEJUICE (smiles at the jab) We both know you’re more comfortable with the dead than the living. The truth of that statement hits Lydia. Beetlejuice knows he got to her. Grins, as lifts his hand FINGER SNAPS CAMERA CIRCLES the couple and they are TRANSPORTED BACK TO: INT. ATTIC - DEETZ HOUSE - DAY Lydia looks at the model, sees the Lilliputian-sized Beetlejuice sitting on his signature headstone in the town’s miniature graveyard. BEETLEJUICE You’ll come back! And when you doI’ll be right here waiting for you! He makes a heart shape with his hands. She’s distracted by Rory, who groans behind her, slumped against a wall. He picks himself up, holding his throbbing head. When she looks back, Beetlejuice is gone. RORY Whoa... what happened? Just had the wildest dream. LYDIA (with a sympathetic look) Maybe you should lay off the Kombucha. As they leave, Beetlejuice steps out from behind a cardboard tree and smirks malevolently. CUT TO: INT. LIVING ROOM - DEETZ HOUSE - DAY CLOSE ON A COURIER BOX with a big yellow warning label “LIVE CARGO! EXTREME CAUTION! POISONOUS REPTILES!” Astrid stands with Delia, watching warily, as she pulls a plastic terrarium free. Inside are TWO SNAKES, their slender black bodies ringed by bands of crimson scales. ASTRID (horrified) You bought snakes? DELIA (enchanted) Asps. Aren’t they exquisite? (off Astrid’s bewilderment) In ancient times, Egyptian queens performed a snake ceremony at the tomb of their dead Pharaoh to honor him. Your grandfather and I loved Halloween, I thought I’d reenact the ritual at his grave tomorrow night. ASTRID You’re not serious. DELIA Ignore the packaging, sweetie. (re: Snakes) These cutie-pies have been defanged. They’re totally harmless. ASTRID No offense, but your grief journey is seriously whacked. Lydia rushes in, looks at her daughter. LYDIA You got your wish. We’re leaving. Now! Pack your things. I’ll drive you back to school. ASTRID Wait... Mom, what happened? LYDIA You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.(to Delia) I’ll pay for a fleet of moversokay? They can bring everything to Manhattan. Except for that model. You need to chop it up and burn that thing! DELIA What about your wedding? Lydia doesn’t answer, heads outside. Delia gives Astrid a “let-me-handle-this” look and follows after her. EXT. DECK - DEETZ HOUSE - DAY DELIA Lydia. What the hell’s going on? LYDIA I saw him. (mouthing) Beetlejuice. (off Delia’s alarm) He’s here. In the model. Rory saw him too, but thinks it was a dream. DELIA Of course he does. ASTRID (O. S.) We can’t leave yet! Lydia and Delia face Astrid. ASTRID (confessing) I’m hanging out. Tomorrow night. With a boy I met.(off Lydia) Early, before your wedding. LYDIA How have you had time to make a date?ASTRID You have time to get married. DELIA She’s got you there. ASTRID His name’s Jeremy. I kinda crashed through his fence on my bike. We started talking. He invited me over to his house for Halloween. (sincere) Please, Mom. CUT TO: INT. ATTIC STAIRS - DEETZ HOUSE - HALLOWEEN NIGHT CLOSE ON A PADLOCK as it’s snapped shut. REVEAL it’s one of five that now secure the door along with six wooden planks that have been nailed into place. Lydia stands back, watches as Delia finishes sealing the door frame with a glue gun. DELIA Nobody goes in there, nobody calls his name. We should be fineright? The women look at each other. Trying but failing to convince themselves they are doing the right thing. ASTRID (O. S.) Mom! Come on! I’m going to be late! EXT. STREETS - WINTER RIVER - NIGHT TRICK-OR-TREATERS are out in full force as Lydia’s SUV snakes through the neighborhood. EXT. JEREMY’S HOUSE - NIGHT It’s dark and only illuminated by a dim porch light. Two disappointed vampire preteens, ETHAN and JOSH, file through the gate, empty-handed. They ambush FOUR GHOSTS (ages 6 to 8) who are about to make the trek to the front door. ETHAN Rang the bell eight times. Don’t bother. JOSH This neighborhood sucks ass. INT. LYDIA’S SUV - NIGHT They pull up in front of Jeremy’s house. Astrid’s hair is in a bun, her face ghosted with makeup, and black circles haunt her eyes. She’s wearing an overcoat over her costume. LYDIA You sure this is the right address? ASTRID Yes. 125 Cherokee Lane. (off Lydia) Don’t judge, his dad got injured on the job and they’ve been going through a rough patch. Jeremy appears in the upstairs window. His hair is slicked back and he’s wearing a cherry-red bomber jacket with the collar popped. He gives Astrid a wave. LYDIA (kinda surprised) He’s cute. She opens her door to climb out. ASTRID (reacts, horrified) Mom, what are you doing? LYDIA Going to say “hey” to his parents. ASTRID (teenage annoyance) Seriously? This isn’t a play date. I’m not 6. Nothing’s going to happen. Lydia sees a passing MOM (30s) accompanying 8-year-old SIBLINGS. Plastic pumpkin candy buckets swing in their happy little hands. She suppresses a pang of maternal nostalgia. LYDIA Okay. Fine. You’re right. Have fun. I’ll pick you up at :00. (neurotic again) But not a second later. Deal? Astrid nods and climbs out, holding bulging grocery bags of candy. Lydia watches her for a moment, then drives away.65 EXT. JEREMY’S HOUSE - NIGHT Astrid pushes through the CREAKY GATE and heads up the walkway. CAMERA DROPS TO FIND a weather-faded Butterfield-Lee Realty “For Sale” sign lost in the weed-choked yard. INT. JEREMY’S ATTIC BEDROOM - JEREMY’S HOUSE - NIGHT TIGHT ON ASTRID. Her eyes are covered by Jeremy’s hands as he carefully leads her inside. JEREMY Almost there. (stopping) Ready? He gently lifts his hands away, Astrid’s eyes widen in delight as she takes in the bedroom. WHAT SHE SEES: Candles and ceramic jack-o’-lanterns stare back from every surface, their candlelit faces contorted into golden-hued grimaces. JEREMY Raided the basement. Forgot we even had half this stuff. ASTRID It’s... magical. (re: his costume) I’m like the whole James Dean vibe too. JEREMY Live fast, die young. Right? She takes off her coat to reveal a long Edwardian-style black dress. Its white collar is decorated with a zigzag of black silk which cascades down the front of the dress. JEREMY Wow, your costume looks great. (confessing) Who are you supposed to be exactly? ASTRID Marie Curie. (off his blank look) Two-time Nobel Prize-winning French physicist and feminist icon. JEREMY She’s the one who discovered radiation, right?ASTRID (nodding) Her work was literally killing her and she had no idea. JEREMY For someone suffering from radiation poisoning, you look... beautiful. Astrid blushes. They gaze at each other, the adolescent chemistry palpable in the eerie candlelight. ASTRID (holding up grocery bagsnervous as hell) So... I have candy. I probably bought too much, scratch that, I definitely bought too much. But I figure we can binge on any that’s left over. You want to head downstairs and start giving it out? JEREMY Actually, I’ve got a confession. I’d rather stay up here with you. ASTRID Okay. Yes. That could work too. He steps to his boom box. Pushes a button. A song starts playing. He offers his hand. Astrid smiles and they awkwardly circle. Jeremy slowly pulls her closer, wraps her in his arms; she closes her eyes. TIGHT ON HER FACE as they share their first lingering kiss. CAMERA SLOWLY CIRCLES as Astrid is lost in the moment. The happiest she has ever felt. The BACKDROP of glimmering candles mysteriously DROPS FROM VIEW. It’s only when she opens her eyes again that we DISCOVER the reason -- THE COUPLE IS NOW FLOATING FIVE FEET OFF THE FLOOR! Terrified and confused, she wrenches free of Jeremy and CRASHES TO THE FLOOR. Jeremy TOUCHES DOWN next to her. JEREMY Please don’t freak out. But that’s exactly what Astrid does: she scrambles to her feet and bolts for the door. He APPEARS in front of herblocking the way. She starts to hyperventilate. ASTRID What...(gulp).. are... (gulp).. you...? JEREMY (gentle) Don’t you know? She takes deep breaths, trying to calm herself. JEREMY Please, Astrid, you don’t need to be scared. She stares at him as she processes this world-shattering information. Slumps onto the edge of his bed. ASTRID This means... ghosts are real.(holy crap) And I can actually see them. (comprehending) My mom isn’t a fraud. Or crazy. And I’m just like her. Shit. Shit. Shit. Jeremy sits next to her. Pulls down the collar of his bomber jacket, revealing dark bruises ringing his neck. JEREMY When my parents used to fight, I’d steal one of my dad’s six-packs and hide out in my tree fort. One night, I slipped and fell. ASTRID How long ago did this happen? JEREMY Twenty-three years, five months and days ago. But who’s counting? I’ve been stuck in this house ever since. Can’t go any further than that damn tree. He looks out the window. Watches the packs of Trick-or- Treaters innocently crisscrossing the street. JEREMY I’ve spent my time watching the world go by. (smiles at her) Then suddenly you could see me. I’ve been alone so long... it felt like a grenade had gone off in my head. It was that amazing. (deeply felt) You’re amazing. Astrid rises, still unable to accept what’s happening. ASTRID I should go. She moves to the door; he stands, his vulnerability clear. JEREMY Please, Astrid. I know this is insane, but I really like you and I want us to be together. ASTRID That’s kinda impossible given the circumstances of you being dead and all. JEREMY What if I told you I’d found a way to come back... to be human again? He picks up the Handbook For The Recently Deceased. JEREMY The answer is in this book. Everyone gets one when they die. It’s kinda complicated. But I can’t do it without the help of a living person. (off Astrid) You could literally give me my life back. ASTRID I don’t know... maybe we should talk to my mom. She’s the expert on the undead, right? JEREMY (drops the final card) I’m sure she’ll give you a million reasons to stay away. But I’ll give you one reason to help me: you would get to see your dad again. OFF Astrid, stunned by the offer. INT. DEETZ HOUSE - NIGHT Lydia enters to find Delia and Jane Butterfield at the dining room table. Delia, dressed in a resplendent Cleopatra costume accented by lapis and gold makeup, signs paperwork. JANE (delighted) I’ll have the first official open house a week from Sunday. And then we will let the bidding war begin! LYDIA (looking around) Where’s Rory? DELIA Supermarket. Swapping out the candy I bought for carrot sticks. Because Rory likes to fun-suck everything, even Halloween. You two are on door duty tonight. I’ll be at your father’s grave communing with his spirit. LYDIA (re: her costume) Dressed as Cleopatra? I think that’s considered cultural appropriation these days. JANE That’s what I told her. DELIA (smiling, unfazed) True love can never be cancelled. (then) I’ll see you later at the church. Delia exits. Jane slots her paperwork into a leather satchel. JANE Good luck tonight. I need to skedaddle too, I’m co-chaperoning Littler Jane’s Girl Scout troop. (excited) We spent weeks coming up with a group costume theme. We agreed nothing Disney. LYDIA The closest we got to Disney was the year Astrid dressed up as Cinderella’s dead mom. JANE (appalled but covers) You’ll never guess what the girls came up with. (off Lydia’s shrug) “Fruit Salad.” Isn’t that genius? It’s healthy and nontriggering. She excitedly pulls a sweater out of her bag. It’s hand- knitted. “MORTGAGE” appears in reverse letters on the front. JANE I’m going as “reverse mortgage”which is “mortgage” spelled backwards. Get it!? (noticing) Where is Astrid? LYDIA On a date. Her first. I think I’m more nervous about it than she is. (MORE) LYDIA (CONT’D) The boy lives over on Cherokee Lane. JANE (eye-rolls) Don’t mention that street. I have a listing that’s kept me from a perfect sales record. It’s my own fault. The place had been on the market for years. But I thought if I could sell the “Murder House”, it would be a feather in my cap. LYDIA I vaguely remember that story, I thought the house was on Jefferson? JANE It was. But the Council changed the names of all the streets last year, you know, to better reflect the town’s Native American heritage. LYDIA (an uneasy feeling) Which house?JANE LYDIA That’s where I dropped off Astrid! She was seeing a boy named Jeremy. JANE Jeremy Frazier? LYDIA I didn’t get his last name. JANE Jeremy Frazier was bad news. Twenty-three years ago he murdered his parents. The cops found him hiding in his tree house. When they tried to get him out, he fell. Broke his neck. Died instantly. Panicked, Lydia grabs her keys, races for the front door... INT. JEREMY’S ATTIC BEDROOM - JEREMY’S HOUSE - NIGHT Jeremy draws a door in chalk on the wall. Knocks three times, then steps to Astrid, who regards it skeptically. ASTRID That’s how you get to the Afterlife? Draw a chalk door and knock three times? Lame. JEREMY (picking up the Handbook) I’m just doing what it says in here. Suddenly, there’s a RUMBLE. Astrid watches, amazed, as the CHALK DOOR CRACKS OPEN, bathing them in SICKLY GREEN LIGHT! ASTRID Okay, maybe not lame. (to Jeremy) So... do we just walk through? JEREMY I can, but since you’re alive, you need to read this incantation first. He gives her the Handbook. She studies it curiously. As she starts awkwardly reading aloud... ASTRID (reading chant in Latin NO SUBTITLES) “De mundo vivorum audeo in interitum, ubi libenter sacrificao animam meam, ut liber iterum ambulet alius.” (English translation is: “From the world of the living I venture into the afterlife where I willingly sacrifice my soul so that another may once again walk free.”) EXT. JEREMY’S HOUSE - NIGHT Lydia’s SUV SCREAMS TO A STOP in the driveway. INT. LYDIA’S SUV - NIGHT Freaking out, Lydia grabs her prescription bottle. Unscrews the cap. Something inside her pushes back. She makes a silent decision and throws the bottle in her purse. INT. FRONT HALL - JEREMY’S HOUSE - NIGHT The door cautiously opens and Lydia steps inside. LYDIA Astrid... hello? JEREMY’S MOM (O. S.) Jeremy, is that you? Lydia opens the kitchen door... INT. KITCHEN - JEREMY’S HOUSE - NIGHT JEREMY’S MOM (40s, apron) has her back to Lydia, spooning batter into a muffin tin. LYDIA Hello? Mrs. Frazier. Only when Jeremy’s Mom turns does Lydia see a whisk is impaled in the woman’s right eye! Lydia stifles her horror, stumbles out of the room into... INT. DEN - JEREMY’S HOUSE - NIGHT A SILHOUETTED figure sits in a Laz-E-Boy watching Jeopardy. LYDIA Mr. Frazier... She freezes as she steps forward to find Jeremy’s Dad (40s, beer belly) staring calmly at the TV, a Budweiser in one hand and a circular saw lodged in his skull! Suddenly, she hears a DEEP RUMBLING FROM UPSTAIRS. The LIGHTS FLICKER. LYDIA Astrid! INT. JEREMY’S ATTIC BEDROOM - JEREMY’S HOUSE - NIGHT Astrid finishes reading as the NOISE SUBSIDES and she’s HALOED IN GREEN LIGHT. Jeremy gives her a smile of support. JEREMY I think it worked. (offering his hand) You ready to see your dad?She exhales at the possibility, dumps the book on the floor, and takes his hand. As they CROSS THE PORTAL’S THRESHOLD... ON THE STAIRS - JEREMY’S HOUSE - NIGHT Lydia races up, sees the GREEN LIGHT LEAKING from beneath Jeremy’s attic bedroom door! Her face fills with dread. LYDIA Astrid! She reaches for the doorknob and... INT. JEREMY’S ATTIC BEDROOM - JEREMY’S HOUSE - NIGHT .. hurtles inside just as JEREMY AND ASTRID STEP THROUGH. LYDIA ASTRID!!! NO!!! Astrid doesn’t hear her, but Jeremy looks back, gives her a cold smile a second before the DOOR SLAMS SHUT and it VANISHES FROM VIEW. Lydia pounds the wall in frustration, then sinks, no idea what to do. She spots the HANDBOOK FOR THE RECENTLY DECEASEDstill open to the page with the chant Astrid read out loud. CUT TO: INT. WAITING ROOM - AFTERLIFE TRACK ACROSS Le Tigre and a row of bored Dead People sitting in chairs TO FIND Astrid and Jeremy as they walk into the packed room. Astrid nervously takes in the scene. JEREMY Wait here, I need to find out where we’re supposed to go. ASTRID Make sure to ask where my dad is! He nods and steps to the help window. Astrid cautiously sits between a TOURIST (30s), who was strangled to death by an anaconda (his skin’s blue and the giant snake enwraps him from neck to toe) and a DAD in a soot-covered SANTA suit (40s, angry, partially mummified). ASTRID (to Santa Dad) Uh... Merry Christmas. Jeremy returns, offers Astrid his hand. JEREMY We need to go to Immigration. Astrid and Jeremy pass another help window. As they exit, CAMERA TRACKS TO the next person waiting in line. IT’S CHARLESstill soaked. CHARLES Excuse me, could I please speak to your manager? My wife’s going to flay me if I don’t get home soon. The Hot Dog on a Stick Lady eye-rolls. HOT DOG ON A STICK LADY Who is your case officer? CHARLES Why do I need a case officer? HOT DOG ON A STICK LADY Ain’t that sweet. Take a number and a seat. She slams the window shut. Charles sees his headlessreflection in the glass, squints in shock. He sweeps his hand through the space formerly occupied by his head. Bewildered, he turns and finds a SURFER (20s) waiting behind him. The Surfer’s got a shark-bite-shaped hole in his torso and surfboard. The Surfer regards him like a kindred spirit. SURFER (shaking pinkie & thumb) Whoa, dude. Snap! As Charles shuffles away, he passes Delores, who’s silently moving through the waiting room, her eyes scanning for Beetlejuice with Terminator-like efficiency. CUT TO: EXT. DEETZ HOUSE - WINTER RIVER - NIGHT Rory is dressed in a pumpkin-colored tuxedo. He hands out bags of apple slices and carrot sticks from an oversize plastic witch’s cauldron. He’s offering unsolicited advice to a FAMILY OF FOUR dressed like Hershey’s Kisses (gay moms, 30s, and boys 8 and ). RORY Childhood diabetes is on the riseand costumes like that send a subliminal message to kids that your joy is always tied to sugar. Lydia races up, holding the Handbook behind her back, and plasters on a smile. Doesn’t want him to know what’s going on with Astrid. LYDIA Wow, look at this line! Love your costume, honey. RORY I call it Halloween Groom. Figured I’d kill two birds with one stone. (studies her curiously) Everything okay? You seem a little... manic. LYDIA (barely maintaining her cool) Pre-wedding jitters! I’m going upstairs to try on my dress! Whatever you hear, do NOT come up! Bad luck to see me before the ceremony. Understood? Bemused, he nods as she hurries inside. INT. ATTIC - DEETZ HOUSE - NIGHT The door bursts open. Lydia rushes in, crosses to the model. LYDIA (to herself) Can’t believe I’m doing this. (closing eyes) Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Nothing happens. She opens her eyes, disappointed, until the MODEL BEGINS TO SHAKE. The miniature buildings and trees look like they’re being rocked by a 9.0 earthquake. STEAM AND CRIMSON LIGHT SHOOT OUT and BEETLEJUICE RISES FROM THE MODEL LIKE A ROCK STAR! BEETLEJUICE The Juice is loose! He jumps down, wraps his arms around Lydia. He goes in for a kiss, but she pushes him away, opens the Handbook, points to the chant. LYDIA What does this mean? Beetlejuice whips out a monocle, makes a show of reading over the page before slamming the book shut. BEETLEJUICE Means your daughter’s screwed. (off Lydia) Long story short, she agreed to swap her life for the boy’s. He’ll get to come back. She’ll be stuck on the other side forever. And they’ll stick her on the sweetest ride around! The SOUL TRAIN THEME STARTS PLAYING and Beetlejuice shimmies in a funkalicious polyester ‘70s version of his suit. BEETLEJUICE The Soul Train!! Lydia looks at him with mounting dread. LYDIA Soul Train? BEETLEJUICE She’ll get a one-way ticket to the Great Beyond! He yanks a chain dangling next to him, A DEAFENING TRAIN WHISTLE ECHOES!BEETLEJUICE That’s quite a pickle. Young love makes you do crazy things, right? LYDIA She’s not getting on that train! I need you to get me in there so I can bring her back. BEETLEJUICE (wags his finger at her) I can get you in there. (leaning in) But I need a quid pro quo. LYDIA Name your price. Anything. BEETLEJUICE See, I’ve got this ex-wife. (off Lydia’s surprise) Don’t get jealous. She was waaaaaaaaay before you. Total psycho. Can’t deal with the fact that it was over. You know what I mean? Real clingy. I need to get away from her permanently. There’s only one way that’s gonna happen. LYDIA (puts it together) You need me to marry you. BEETLEJUICE No tricks this time. LYDIA How do I know you’ll keep your word? BEETLEJUICE I swear on my late mother’s soul. He does the sign of the cross, BURSTS INTO FLAMES. Lydia watches, exasperated, as he slaps out the FIRE. LYDIA Fine. If you help me save my daughter, I will marry you. Beetlejuice produces a contract and a quill! BEETLEJUICE I’m gonna need that in writing too. Lydia sighs, nods. Beetlejuice stabs the sharp end of the quill into her palm, draws her blood like a syringe. LYDIA Oww. She frees the quill and signs her name in blood. Beetlejuice folds the contract and gives her a black-toothed grin. BEETLEJUICE True love is always worth the wait! LYDIA What’s your plan for getting in? Beetlejuice sizes up the wall. Pulls out a tape measureslide rule, a large piece of chalk, and starts drawing. BEETLEJUICE Some music, a little champagne we’ll see... LYDIA Into the Afterlife! Beetlejuice finishes the chalk outline of a giant Acme-like bomb with a long fuse. BEETLEJUICE We can’t exactly go through the front door. He flicks his thumb like a lighter and IGNITES THE CHALK FUSE WITH THE FLAME. CUT TO: INT. BOILER ROOM - AFTERLIFE The Shrinkers work the phones when THE BACK WALL EXPLODES OPEN!As the SMOKE CLEARS, BEETLEJUICE AND LYDIA STEP THROUGH. Covered in dust and debris, the Shrinkers stare at the pair in stunned silence. BEETLEJUICE You never saw us, comprende? Beetlejuice points to the desks barricading the boiler room door, TELEPATHICALLY SLIDES THEM OUT OF THE WAY. As he exits with Lydia... BEETLEJUICE (to Bob re: portal) Bob, you and the boys stand guard. Nobody goes through! The Shrinkers wait until they’re gone. They look at each other, unsure what to do. Bob stands, peers through the smoking hole, then to them: BOB (in gibberish, SUBTITLED) Everyone back to work! Like prisoners in a jailbreak, the Shrinkers immediately get up, stampede past Bob, and EXIT THROUGH THE PORTAL! INT. JACKSON’S OFFICE - AFTERLIFE SUPER TIGHT ON Jackson. His gun aimed RIGHT INTO THE LENS. Badass intensity on his face. JACKSON Hands on your head, asswipe, or I’ll spray paint the wall with your brains! His mouth twists with disappointment. He lowers the gunrevealing he’s practicing his acting skills in front of the full-length mirror on the back of his office door. JACKSON (self-critiquing) Dude, that was way too forced. Remember, throw it away. Just throw it away. Suddenly, RED KLAXON LIGHTS SPIN ON! His assistant OLGA (60s, Eastern European, wearing a 1980 Moscow Olympic Games referee uniform, with a javelin through her neck) bursts in. JACKSON Olga, what the hell’s going on? OLGA We got a Code 699 violation. JACKSON (stunned) You’re telling me a “live one” illegally broke into the Afterlife? She nods. He pauses for dramatic effect, then turns as the CAMERA PUSHES INTO HIS CLOSEUP. JACKSON Time to call in the Ghoul Squad. INT. HALLWAY - AFTERLIFE Delores is KICKING IN DOORS, looking for Beetlejuice. She stops as a RED KLAXON LIGHT FLASHES ON. She smirksimmediately knows who’s responsible. DELORES My beloved. CUT TO: EXT. DEETZ HOUSE - WINTER RIVER - NIGHT Rory is handing out carrot sticks when he hears CRASHING SOUNDS COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE. He addresses the waiting line of Trick-or-Treaters, including vampire kids Ethan and Josh, who we MET at Jeremy’s house. RORY I need to step away for a minute. So we are all going to use the honor system. (re: cauldron, stern) One pack of apple slices or carrot sticks per Trick-or-Treater. Got it? As he heads inside and closes the door, Josh kicks the cauldron, sending the packets of apples and carrot sticks flying. JOSH Fcking hippies! INT. DEETZ HOUSE - NIGHT Rory steps into the hall. Hears JABBERING COMING FROM THE SECOND FLOOR and moves to the stairs. RORY Lydia? I know you said not to peek, but what’s going on up there? As if in answer, a dozen Shrinkers hurtle down the stairs! They stop when they see Rory, who looks at them in horror! RORY (terrified scream) Ahhhhhhhhh...???!!! EXT. DEETZ HOUSE - NIGHT Jane and the GIRL SCOUT TROOP, in adorable fruit salad costumes, approach. There are four blueberries, three strawberries, two bananas, a pair of cherries, and a mango. Littler Jane is a strawberry. JANE Okay, everyone, strawberries get first pick this time! No crowding. She’s reaching for the bell when the front door flies open. Rory looks at them, wide-eyed. JANE & GIRL SCOUTS TRICK OR TREAT! Rory screams in response and runs outside past them, followed by the Shrinkers. Jane and the Girl Scouts watch, amazed. One Shrinker stops in front of Littler Jane. LITTLER JANE (impressed) Cool costume! Pleased, the Shrinker PULLS OFF HIS HAND and drops it in her candy basket before chasing after his friends. OFF Littler Jane’s scream... CUT TO: INT. JACKSON’S OFFICE - AFTERLIFE Jackson stands before the GHOUL SQUAD, a force of eight dead California Highway Patrol Officers circa 1975. Their uniforms are riddled with bullet holes. They sport classic fishbowl CHiPs helmets and Aviator glasses. Think a zombie version of Magnum Force. Jackson is going full Pacino. JACKSON I need a hard-target search for two suspects. Scumbag named Beetlejuice and a female fleshbag! (holding a security image of Beetlejuice and Lydia in an Afterlife hall) Kick in every door! Leave no gravestone unturned! Hell, sift through the sands of Titan if you have to! (theatrical pause) This is what you’ve been training your entire deaths for! INT. CORRIDOR - AFTERLIFE RED KLAXON LIGHTS STILL SPIN. A CASE WORKER (30s, a Viking with a two-bladed axe impaled in his back) leads a POLKA BAND killed in an Oktoberfest beer hall collapse. As they pass, a CEILING VENT SLIDES OPEN! Beetlejuice and Lydia climb out. LYDIA Which way are we going? Do you even know? BEETLEJUICE I know every inch of this place like the back of my ass. (MORE) BEETLEJUICE (CONT’D) (turns, pointing) Be honest, does it look fat? I’ve been eating my feelings lately and it’s all going right to the old caboose! LYDIA We’re running out of time! We have to find Astrid before she gets on that train! Beetlejuice unfolds a map. It keeps getting bigger, but he can’t find what he’s looking for. BEETLEJUICE The important thing is, don’t look like a tourist. He ditches the map, peers around the corner and sees two Ghoul Squad Officers with their backs to them. BEETLEJUICE The Ghoul Squad. Jackson is turning up the heat. LYDIA Who’s Jackson?BEETLEJUICE Has-been actor trying to relive his glory days. (off Lydia) I know, pathetic, right? Ghoul Squad Officer #1 suddenly pricks up his ears, turns in their direction, as if sensing them. Beetlejuice puts his arm around Lydia, pulls her out of sight. BEETLEJUICE (points) Down the hall. Take three lefts, a right, then go through the ninth door. That’ll take you directly to the Soul Train platform. LYDIA What are you going to do? BEETLEJUICE I was thinking a mani-pedi followed by a full-body scrub. (off her annoyance) What I do best, whip up a little chaos! Lydia crouches and exits. INT. IMMIGRATION HALL - AFTERLIFE Snaking lines of DECEASED fill the cavernous space, slowly shuffling towards 20 service counters. CAMERA FINDS Astrid and Jeremy as they are waved to a window with a female MUMMY IMMIGRATION OFFICER (3,000 years old, piercing white eyes VISIBLE through frayed bandages). She regards Astrid, points a wrapped finger to two worn X’s marked on the floor. MUMMY IMMIGRATION OFFICER (thick accent) Stand on the marks and look directly into the camera. The teens step onto the X’s. MUMMY IMMIGRATION OFFICER Say Yahtzee. She holds up a cable trigger, hits the button, initiating a BLINDING FLASH. As the light fades, Astrid feels weak at the knees, Jeremy grabs her arm. Pulls her upright. ASTRID Whoa. I feel so strange. Jeremy smirks, his face abruptly cold and spiteful. JEREMY And I feel amazing. Go figure. ASTRID (fearful) Jeremy... what just happened? Tell me! JEREMY It’s real simple. When you recited that chant, you agreed to swap your life for mine. ASTRID (stunned by his betrayal) What? No... JEREMY I needed your life so I could walk free again. The Mummy Immigration Officer stabs a button, alerting TWO COSSACK GUARDS (30s, frozen, frost-coated blue skin). They roughly grab Astrid. MUMMY IMMIGRATION OFFICER She’s got a seat on the Soul Train. One way to The Great Beyond. (re: huge wall clock) If you hustle, you can make the :35. The Cossack Guards grunt, drag her away... ASTRID There’s been a mistake! I never agreed to this! Jeremy gives her a cruel wave, turns to the Mummy Immigration Officer, who slides him a new passport. JEREMY How do I cross back over? MUMMY IMMIGRATION OFFICER Get this stamped first. Window 17. She points to an even longer line that says “Passport Control”. Jeremy sighs and joins the end of it. ANGLE ON ASTRID pleading her case with the Cossack Guards. ASTRID You don’t understand! I was tricked! They grunt unsympathetically. Before she’s dragged through a door marked “NO EXIT”, she makes eye contact with ANOTHER IMMIGRATION OFFICER sitting behind the last window. A dozen piranhas are latched onto his partially eaten face and waterlogged clothes. TIME SLOWS as their eyes meet and widen with shocked recognition. IT’S HER FATHER! RICHARD Astrid? ASTRID Dad? Is that really you? (trying to pull free) PLEASE! YOU HAVE TO HELP ME!!!The Cossack Guards easily overpower her. Richard riseshelpless, as she’s pulled through the door and out of sight. CUT TO: EXT. CEMETERY - WINTER RIVER - NIGHT TRACK FROM BEHIND Charles’ shark-fin headstone TO REVEAL Delia in her Cleopatra costume. She’s reclining on a cashmere blanket with a gramophone next to her. She’s now in a full Cleopatra headdress. Candles encircle the grave while she cradles a small wicker basket. She steps to a video camera that’s on a tripod and clicks record. DELIA (addressing video camera) Charles, you always believed in my art, even when you hated it -- which was most of the time. But you said I should always follow my bliss. So that’s what I’m doing. Tonight, I create my masterpiece. She CRANKS THE GRAMOPHONE and slides the arm onto a RECORD. The song eerily and dreamily drifts across the graveyard. Delia sings along as she sways to the music. She whips off the top of the basket like a chef unveiling a soufflé. The TWO SNAKES RISE, their bodies quivering in RHYTHM TO THE MUSIC. She doesn’t take her eyes off the snakes. They are mesmerized by her too. Finally, she throws out her arms for the big finish. The SNAKES LUNGE, each hungrily sinking their fangs into her exposed neck. As Delia sinks to the grass, we go to the video camera view. She just lies there... not getting up. CUT TO: INT. TAVERN - NIGHT The STAFF wear pirate-themed costumes. The eye-patched PIRATE BARTENDER puts a drink in front of Rory, who’s breathing in and out, eyes shut, trying to calm himself. PIRATE BARTENDER Ahoy, matey, here’s your mojito.(concerned) You doing okay? RORY (to himself) Deep breaths. None of this is real. He opens his eyes, lifts his drink to his lips when he sees three Shrinkers sitting opposite. The little guys raise their piña coladas in tiki cups that look very similar to their own shrunken heads. Terrified, Rory turns to flee but runs into Father Damien. RORY (panicked) Father, I keep seeing these creepy shrunken-head people!He turns to point them out, but the Shrinkers are gone! Father Damien shakes his head, puts his arm around Rory. FATHER DAMIEN “Wine bites like a serpent.” So the Bible warns. Be not afraid for “thine eyes will see strange things.” Consider this God’s warning.(gripping Rory’s shoulders, intense) Are you filled with fear and trembling?RORY (terrified) Yes, father. I’m shitting bricks.(then) What are you doing here? FATHER DAMIEN Walking among fallen angels, trying to bring these lost souls back to the light.(holds up to-go bag) And picking up my tiki burger with curly fries.(checks watch) Why don’t I give you a ride to the church. CUT TO: INT. SOUL TRAIN PLATFORM - AFTERLIFE Looks like the Moscow Metro. An old-fashioned FLIPBOARD RHYTHMICALLY CLACKS as the TRAIN DESTINATIONS CLICK into place: “Elysium Fields”, “Pearly Gates”, “Fires of Damnation”, and lastly “The Great Beyond”. The platform is packed with deceased PASSENGERS expectantly waiting for the next arrival. Astrid is dragged INTO VIEW by the Cossack Guards. A BLACK TRAIN PULLS IN. The conductor (60s) leans out. It’s DON CORNELIUS! He may be dead, but his voice is still as deep as the Mississippi. DON CORNELIUS THIS IS THE 8:35 TO THE GREAT BEYOND. ALL ABOARD THE SOUL TRAIN!! The Passengers crowd into the carriages. ANGLE ON LYDIA as she races onto the platform from a side tunnel, sees people dancing onto the train. LYDIA Astrid! Astrid!! She looks around futilely until she hears... ASTRID (O. S.) No! Please! I don’t belong here! Lydia tracks her DAUGHTER’S VOICE, sees the Cossack Guards dancing down the line holding Astrid and shoving her onto the train. Desperate, Lydia pushes her way through. DON CORNELIUS Stand back! Doors are about to close!Astrid is sardined into a train car. The doors are closing when Lydia’s arm reaches in and grabs her. She pulls her out just as the DOORS SHUT! Astrid’s surprised and relieved. ASTRID Mom? LYDIA It’s me, honey. I’m here. Astrid lunges in for a hug, which takes Lydia by surprise. ASTRID I’m so sorry. The two share a moment, then... ASTRID Mom... I saw Dad.(off Lydia’s surprise) Just for a second. But he’s here! Before Lydia can process that, she sees the Cossack Guards angrily storming towards them. LYDIA We need to go. Now! Lydia takes Astrid by the hand, running, leads her back the way she came until Ghoul Squad Officers #2 and #3 ominously step out, blocking the entrance to the access tunnel. Frantic, Lydia sees a door marked “EMERGENCY EXIT - STRICTLY NO ADMITTANCE!“ With Ghoul Squad Officers #2 and #3 closing in from one side and the Cossack Guards from the other, they have no choice. Mother and daughter scramble for the Emergency Exit. ANGLE ON RICHARD He steps INTO VIEW, watching as Lydia and Astrid push open the Emergency Exit door and hustle through. CUT TO: SCREAMMMMMMMMMING! LYDIA AND ASTRID FREE-FALL until they smack into AN ENDLESS EXPANSE OF GOLDEN SAND! The Emergency Exit has TRANSPORTED THEM TO... EXT. SURFACE OF SATURN’S MOON TITAN - AFTERLIFE Astonished, they stare out across the lifeless dunes. The COLORS ARE SUPERSATURATED. ASTRID Where are we? LYDIA No idea, but the door’s gone! Astrid spins, stops when she sees SATURN DOMINATING THE SKYLINE. The giant planet’s distinctive rings are angled at 35 degrees. Her nerd science mind clicks into gear. ASTRID Wait... that’s Saturn. Which means we must be on one of its moons. (shakes head) The Afterlife is super-random. A BANSHEE SHRIEK WAILS. Both turn, watch as the SURFACE OF A DISTANT DUNE VIOLENTLY RIPPLES. Something is moving underground, heading towards them at speed. ASTRID What. Is. That? As if in answerA GIANT SNAPPING SANDWORM BREACHES, it’s a thing of nightmares rendered in low-tech STOP MOTION! It issues an EAR-SHATTERING SHRIEK, DIVES BACK UNDER, its gargantuan body sending up a TIDAL WAVE OF SAND. As it races towards them... LYDIA Sandworm! Run! Lydia and Astrid run for their lives as the SANDWORM SPEEDS CLOSER, its SHRIEKS DEAFENING. They race up a dune when the CREATURE ERUPTS THROUGH THE SAND in front of them. Lydia protectively steps in front of Astrid. LYDIA Back off, you overgrown slug! The SANDWORM’S JAWS HINGE OPEN and a SECOND HEAD EMERGES FROM ITS OPEN MOUTH! As the creature moves in for the kill... RICHARD (O. S.) Take my hand! Amazed, Lydia and Astrid see Richard standing above them in AN OPEN DOORWAY. Richard lowers his hand. LYDIA Astrid. Go! Richard grabs Astrid’s arm, hauls her to safety. Astrid looks back, sees the SANDWORM CHARGING Lydia. ASTRID Mom. Come on!Father and daughter latch onto Lydia, literally pulling her from the Sandworm’s jaws a second before its T-Rex-like TEETH CLAMP SHUT! INT. BREAK ROOM - AFTERLIFE Faded b&w linoleum floor. Threadbare furniture. Lydia and Astrid catch their breath. Both stare at Richard. The PIRANHAS gnawing on his face still SQUIRM WITH LIFE. The trio sits in silence until Richard speaks: RICHARD (re: Astrid’s costume) Marie Curie after the radiation poisoning, right? They share a nervous laugh. ASTRID I learned from the best. RICHARD (smiles at Lydia) We made a great kid. LYDIA Yeah... we did. He pulls them into a hug. Even though his face is half- eaten, the emotional catharsis of this unexpected reunion resonates deeply for each. RICHARD I know you can’t see me, but I check in on you both all the time. (off their surprise) I don’t want to be the reason that drove you two apart. You need each other. You make each other better. Always have. The moment of understanding is interrupted by ALARMS AND COMMOTION on the other side of the door. LYDIA We need to get back to Winter River! RICHARD You can’t leave until Astrid gets her life back. A94 INT. WAITING ROOM - AFTERLIFE A94 CLOSE ON DELIA as she glances at the Dead People sitting in chairs, comatose with boredom. A94 A94 DELIA Where am I...?She turns and sees the Cat Lady on one side and Joey Chestnut on the other. The truth suddenly starts to dawn. DELIA Wait, did I? No! I can’t be...(realizing, pissed) Those asps were supposed to be defanged!!(to Cat Lady) Excuse me, there’s been a mistake. I shouldn’t be here. I need to speak to someone in charge. The Cat Lady points to the Take-A-Number machine. DELIA No, no, no, no. Delia Deetz doesn’t do waiting. There must be a VIP line.(off Cat Lady’s blank expression) You know, for people like me. Famous, important. Artists. Delia shakes her head annoyed, heads for a line. INT. BOILER ROOM - AFTERLIFE Delores scans the empty desks and debris. Notices a picture on the wall -- it’s a photo of Beetlejuice under “Employee of the Month.” Delores smirks, and licks the glass with her black stapled tongue. DELORES Soon, my beloved, soon. Her expression turns to jealousy when she clocks the framed photo of Lydia on Beetlejuice’s desk. She snatches itSMASHES it on the floor and crushes it with her heel. As she exits, REVEAL Bob hidden under the desk, terrified. INT. IMMIGRATION HALL - AFTERLIFE Jeremy impatiently waits at the front of the line. A RESENTFUL IMMIGRATION OFFICER is dealing with a SUMO WRESTLER (30s, 350 pounds). PING!! A light blinks at another window. Jeremy crosses, slides over his paperwork. (Note: we DON’T REVEAL this NEW IMMIGRATION OFFICER’S FACE.) JEREMY (mutters to self) About time. RICHARD (O. S.) Don’t stamp that passport! TIGHT ON STAMP as it smacks the open page of the passport. Jeremy smirks dismissively as Richard, Astrid, and Lydia race up. He smugly snatches his passport as the New Immigration Officer slides it to him. JEREMY (holding up passport) Too late. It’s done. NEW IMMIGRATION OFFICER May want to check out your stamp there, sport. Jeremy fans open his passport, stares in disbelief. TIGHT ON PASSPORT: The words “SHIT OUT OF LUCK!” are stamped across his photo page in big red letters. Stunned, Jeremy looks at the New Immigration Officer, who’s maniacally grinning on the other side of the window. IT’S BEETLEJUICE! BEETLEJUICE To quote Dostoyevsky -- “Sayonarasucker!” With that, Beetlejuice pulls a large lever, triggering a TRAP DOOR TO OPEN DIRECTLY UNDER Jeremy. ANGRY FLAMES LICK THE EDGES. The murderous teen screams in realization before gravity takes over and he PLUNGES INTO THE FIERY ABYSS OF HELL! ANGLE ON LYDIA. She spots Ghoul Squad Officers #4 through #8 entering the hall searching for them. RICHARD (to Lydia and Astrid) This way! Follow me. As he leads them out, Beetlejuice watches in frustration. INT. JACKSON’S OFFICE - AFTERLIFE Jackson hangs up the phone as Olga enters. OLGA The Ghoul patrol found the breach and sealed it. JACKSON Any sign of Beetlejuice or the fleshbag? OLGA Still looking, but they did find something that might help. Olga yanks the cord of a Venetian blind, REVEALING a one-way mirror. Bob sits at the table in the interrogation room on the other side of the glass. OFF Jackson’s smirk... INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - AFTERLIFE Bob squirms in his chair as Jackson enters. Jackson gives him a friendly smile before twisting the desk lamp on the table, aiming the light into Bob’s terrified eyes. JACKSON (leaning into Bob’s ear) Lemme tell you how this is going to go, Bob. Your shriveled lips are gonna start flapping or I’ll crack your itty-bitty head like a goddamn walnut! (beat) Where is Beetlejuice? OFF Bob, cowering... INT. SUPPLY CLOSET - AFTERLIFE Richard leads Lydia and Astrid to a metal rung ladder bolted to the far wall that rises to a hatch in the ceiling. RICHARD Okay. This is as far as I go. Astrid throws her arms around him. Doesn’t want to let go. RICHARD I love you too, sweetheart. Have an amazing life. And take care of each other. Promise me. Lydia gives him a final hug. He watches as they climb... CUT TO: INT. MAUSOLEUM - CEMETERY - WINTER RIVER - NIGHT TIGHT ON a large marble SLAB AS IT HINGES OPEN. GO WIDER as Lydia and Astrid emerge to find themselves in a moonlit mausoleum. Astrid looks at her mother, emotional. ASTRID (sincere) Thank you for saving my life... and I’m so sorry... sorry I didn’t believe you could see the dead. Lydia gently wipes a tear from Astrid’s face. LYDIA Guess we’re more alike than we thought. Mother and daughter take a beat, then step out into... EXT. CEMETERY - NIGHT The night has turned STORMY and LIGHTNING FORKS across the brewing sky. The church is fully lit and its clock reads :55 PM. Father Damien exits the church, checking his watch, worried. Lydia suddenly remembers. LYDIA Oh my God. My wedding. He sees them and waves with relief. Lydia waves back. ASTRID Mom, after everything that’s happened tonight, you don’t have to do this. LYDIA I know. But if I don’t do it nowI’ll never do it. ASTRID But if you’re not sure. LYDIA I’ve never been sure about anything. Rory loves me. And that’s enough. Astrid accepts that with a nod, takes her mom’s hand, and leads her towards the church. CAMERA SINKS TO REVEAL Delia’s TWO ASPS SLITHERING unseen through the grass to freedom. CUT TO: INT. WAITING ROOM - AFTERLIFE Delia shoves her way to the front of the long line. She’s at the window with the Hot Dog on a Stick Lady, who has her partition shut, doing her nails. Delia slides it open. DELIA Hi... excuse me.(the woman glances up) There’s been been a mistake. I don’t belong here... HOT DOG ON A STICK LADY (cutting her off) Honey, you’re dead. Okay? So take a number and take a seat. Delia takes that in. Still can’t believe she’s dead. Turns back to the woman undeterred. DELIA I need to speak to your manager, orperhaps there’s a VIP concierge.(realizing) And my husband! He’s here!Charles Deetz. That’s with a Z not an S. Why don’t you tap those acrylic nails across your keyboard. I need to find him. Chop. Chop. HOT DOG ON A STICK LADY Lady, you’re not special anymore. Not here. So sit down and shut up!I’m still on my break!She dismissively returns to her nails. Annoyed, Delia points to the Hot Dog on a Stick Lady’s wrists. DELIA I’m sure you slit your wrists because you realized dressing up in a ridiculous costume to sell friedmystery meat on a stick screams “My life has no meaning!” But if this is the kind of service you provided when you were alive, I would’ve gladly slashed them myself! The Hot Dog on a Stick Lady is shocked. The Dead People in line start to clap. She SLAMS the window in Delia’s face. DELIA Wait! I know people! I am people!She sighs. Makes a silent decision. DELIA Beetlejuice.(has second thoughts) No... don’t say his name, Delia.(looks at the line again screw it) Beetlejuice. A hand taps Delia on the shoulder. It’s Beetlejuice!BEETLEJUICE I get it. Now that you’re dead you wanna hang out. DELIA First we find Charles... then the VIP Lounge. BEETLEJUICE Right after you help me catch myrunaway bride. CUT TO: INT. CHURCH - WINTER RIVER - NIGHT The space is lit by candles. Rory anxiously paces when the front doors open and Father Damien escorts Lydia and Astrid inside. Rory grins relieved. FATHER DAMIEN And then the lost lamb is welcomed into thy house with open arms. RORY I was afraid you got cold feet. ASTRID Blame me. Mom literally rescued me from my date from hell. Lydia sees TEN TRENDY INFLUENCER TYPES in the front rows recording her on their cell phones. She turns to Rory. LYDIA (re: Trendy Influencers) I thought we agreed no press. RORY (covering) Technically they aren’t press. They’re influencers. No one under three million followers. Lydia sighs. Decides to let it slide. Astrid steps up. ASTRID Are we doing this? RORY What about your dresses? Lydia shuts him up with a desperate kiss. LYDIA All that matters is that I’m here now.(taking Rory’s hand) Let’s skip straight to the vows! (pointing) Astrid, grab those flowers!ASTRID Wait. Where’s Delia? BEETLEJUICE (O. S.) She’s right here. All turn as Beetlejuice dramatically enters with Delia. BEETLEJUICE Couldn’t have our big day without my future monster-in-law! Rory stares at Beetlejuice in horror. Realizes... RORY You’re that thing from my dream! BEETLEJUICE I’m really more nightmare material. But thanks.(to Lydia re: Rory) Did you think marrying this loser would get you out of our deal? ASTRID Mom, who is this jerk? BEETLEJUICE Feeling’s mutual. You’re like the daughter I never wanted. LYDIA This is... (off Beetlejuice’s glare).. the guy from the flyer. ASTRID You mean... Astrid tries to say “Beetlejuice”, but no sound comes out of her mouth. Beetlejuice smirks at Lydia. BEETLEJUICE Part of our deal includes you and your family never saying my name. Ever. ASTRID What deal? BEETLEJUICE The one she made to save you. (pulls out contract) I’our new stepdad from hell!DELIA (horrified realization) You agreed to marry him? LYDIA I was desperate and he was my only option. BEETLEJUICE (coy) Stop, I’m blushing. (showing the Handbook to Astrid) Once your mom and I tie the knotI’m out of the Afterlife forever! ANGLE ON RORY, freaked out and confused. RORY Lydia, what is happening here!? BEETLEJUICE Wow. Awkward. He moves towards Rory, but Lydia steps in his path. LYDIA Stay away from him! BEETLEJUICE Why? He doesn’t love you like I do! LYDIA You’re just using me! BEETLEJUICE And you think he’s so pure? Beetlejuice pulls a comically oversized syringe from his jacket. The words “TRUTH SERUM” stretch across its barrel, which is filled with booger-green liquid. He stabs the needle into Rory’s neck, injecting him. BEETLEJUICE Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the yada yada yada? (off Rory’s nod) Lydia Deetz, do you love her? Rory tries to resist, but the serum has taken hold. RORY No. No, I don’t. BEETLEJUICE Did you ever love her? RORY Nope. Always thought her whole act was bullshit. Never believed in ghosts or spirits or any of it! LYDIA (totally betrayed) What? All this time? Then why the hell did you want to get married? RORY Money! I’ll make way more as your husband than your manager. (then) And I never had a dead fiancée. Iwent to that survivor retreat to meet vulnerable women I could exploit. I hit the wacko lottery when I met you.(finally) And I also eat my own ear wax. BEETLEJUICE I might be a nightmare, but this guy’s a snake. Lydia sees for the first time that’s true. BEETLEJUICE (to Lydia) Why don’t you do the honorssweetheart? Burning with anger and humiliation, Lydia lifts her right hand, revealing a giant b&w striped boxing glove. She draws back her arm and sucker-punches Rory, sending him flying 30 feet where he hits the wall. It’s a KO! Astrid grins, holds up her hand, and high-fives Lydia. Beetlejuice sees the Trendy Influencers pointing their phones, totally fixated on the proceedings. He gives them a wicked smile. BEETLEJUICE Influence this! SUDDENLY, THEIR CELL PHONES SPROUT EYES, SHARP TEETH, AND LITTLE CLAWED FEET. Terrified, the influencers drop their phones and watch horrified as their DEVICES SKITTER AWAY LIKE FERAL CREATURES! Beetlejuice catches Father Damien trying tosneak out, blocks him. BEETLEJUICE Where you going, padre? The party’s just getting started. FATHER DAMIEN Be gone, spawn of Satan! I cast thee from this holy sanctuary!BEETLEJUICE Not without my bride! He pulls him to the altar, then snaps his fingers and LYDIA IS IN A RED WEDDING DRESS! Beetlejuice steps up, now wearing a striped tuxedo with tails. He points, forcing Delia and Astrid to sit in the front pew. BEETLEJUICE Lydia, I’ve got one more surprise and I swear it’s from the heart. He reaches into his tux, PULLS OUT HIS HEART, which is rotten and maggot-infested, and dumps it in her hand! She tosses it, disgusted. Suddenly, the 1968 classic McArthur Park sung by RICHARD HARRIS starts to play and a 60s-era ORCHESTRA (killed in a tour bus accident) appears behind Beetlejuice along with SIX DEAD GO GO DANCERS. The lights dim and a spotlight hits Beetlejuice as he turns to Lydia and lip synchs along to Richard Harris’ vocal. (note: dialogue in italics is sung). BEETLEJUICE Spring was never waiting for usgirl/It ran one step ahead/As we followed in the dance/Between the parted pages and were pressed/In love's hot, fevered iron/Like a striped pair of pants. He takes Lydia’s hand and a multi-tiered wedding cake, the size of a car, suddenly appears on the altar! Its icing is lurid-green with black piping and cheesy figurines of Beetlejuice and Lydia, in their wedding attire, top the cake. Delia and Astrid watch as Beetlejuice and Lydia waltz around the cake! BEETLEJUICE MacArthur's Park is melting in the dark/All the sweet green icing flowing down. Beetlejuice nods at Lydia, and to her surprise, she starts lip synching in duet! LYDIA Someone left the cake out in the rain. BEETLEJUICE I don't think that I can take it. LYDIA 'Cause it took so long to bake it. BEETLEJUICE And I'll never have that recipe again, oh no!ANGLE ON DELIA AND ASTRID Beetlejuice points to Delia who’s jerked up and begins lip synching the next verse. DELIA I recall the yellow cotton dress/Foaming like a wave. Astrid spots Beetlejuice’s discarded Handbook for the Recently Deceased on the floor! But before she can reach for it, she’s pulled into the song too... ASTRID On the ground around your knees/The birds like tender babies in your hands. BEETLEJUICE C’mon Padre. Let’s dust off those pipes! Father Damien takes the next line as he joins in. He sounds like Caruso. FATHER DAMIEN And the old men playing checkers/ By the trees. ANGLE ON RORY as he sashays down the aisle lip synching! RORY MacArthur's Park is melting in the dark/All the sweet green icing flowing down. He joins the others who are now dancing around the cake, lip synching. Beetlejuice leads them like a demonic pied piper. A black cotton wool cloud descends on cables, hangs above the cake and gently showers it with water. EVERYONE Someone left the cake out in the rain/I don't think that I can take it/'Cause it took so long to bake it/And I'll never have that recipe again, oh no! Suddenly, EVERYONE FREEZES in RIDICULOUS POSITIONS as TIME SLOWS and the lights dim. Lydia realizes she’s the only one not frozen. A spotlight hits her. BEETLEJUICEI always love a good dream sequence. He takes her hands and they begin slow spinning, while he lip synchs with incredible feeling. BEETLEJUICE There will be another song for me f or I will sing it/There will be another dream for me/Someone will bring it/ I will drink the wine while it is warm/ And never let you catch me/ Looking at the sun. Beetlejuice moves in for a kiss. But Lydia SLAPS him. BEETLEJUICE And after all the loves of my life/ And after all the loves of my life/ After all the loves of my life/You'll still be the one! She pulls away and tries to run. But it’s like moving underwater! Imagine a Tex Avery cartoon where Penelope Pussycat tries to escape Pepe Le Pew in slow motion. Lydia looks over her shoulder at Beetlejuice who continues singing. BEETLEJUICE I will take my life into my hands and I will use it/ I will win the worship in their eyes/ And I will lose it/ I will have the things that I desire/ And my passion flow/ Like rivers through the sky. Lydia’s almost at the door, passing a pew of FROZEN SHRINKERS. Suddenly, Beetlejuice steps in front of her and she inadvertently runs into his arms! BEETLEJUICE And after all the loves of my life/ Oh, after all the loves in my life/ I'll be thinking of you/ And wondering why. REALITY SNAPS BACK IN. The Orchestra kicks into the HIGH ENERGY INSTRUMENTAl SECTION. Beetlejuice turns to the pews points at the INFLUENCERS and SHRINKERS. BEETLEJUICE Everyone on your feet! All leap up! The Influencers and Shrinkers join the family and all break into an insane Busby Berkeley-on-acid dance number. Beetlejuice is the puppet master bringing this bonkers wedding fantasia to life! EXT. CHURCH - NIGHT THUNDER RUMBLES AND MORE LIGHTNING FLASHES as Jackson and the Ghoul Squad storm out of the mausoleum like a well oiled Delta Force Team. Jackson motions them to circle the church. JACKSON (OVER BULLHORN) WE HAVE YOU SURROUNDED! He hears the music and singing coming from inside, before he can react, an OTHERWORLDLY HOWL ECHOES from the shadows of the mausoleum! OFF Jackson and the Ghoul Squad turning to face this threat. INT. CHURCH - NIGHT Oblivious to the situation outside, Beetlejuice and the others continue dancing, when JACKSON CANNONBALLS THROUGH A STAIN GLASS WINDOW!He snow-plows into the wedding cake before rising. His face is covered in green frosting and his body is splintered with stain glass. (NOTE: the MacArthur Park instrumental becomes score at this point.) ANGLE ON DELIA AND ASTRID With Beetlejuice’s hold over them now broken, Astrid spots the “Handbook for the Recently Deceased”. She retrieves it, begins flipping through the pages. ANGLE ON Jackson. He stands up amped, pulls his gun and points it at Beetlejuice. JACKSON Freeze, sucker! You violated code ! You made an unauthorized breach-- Suddenly, the front door EXPLODES OPEN and DELORES steps into the doorway, BACKLIT BY LIGHTNING. Jackson turns and points his gun at her. JACKSON Down on the floor! Hands where I can see them! She ignores Jackson, sees Beetlejuice standing with Lydia!DELORES (re: Beetlejuice) HE’S MINE! As Delores angrily strides down the aisle, Jackson empties his gun at her, but the bullets harmlessly pock her dead flesh and she keeps coming. JACKSON Everybody, take cover!Terrified, he dives over a pew. The Shrinkers, Influencers and Father Damien race for the exit!ANGLE ON Astrid. She stops on a page in the handbook. Smiles as she gets an idea, turns to Delia ASTRID I need something to draw a door with! Hurry! Delia fishes through her bag, finds lipstick. Astrid snatches it, starts to draw an outline of a door on the floor. ANGLE ON Beetlejuice as he tries to reason with Delores. BEETLEJUICE I’m sorry, sweetheart. The axe just slipped! I was poisoned! I didn’t know what I was doing! Delores jealously glares at Lydia. She flicks her hand telekinetically sends her sliding across the floor away from Beetlejuice and stalks towards him. ANGLE ON ASTRID finishing the door outline. She knocks three times. Closes her eyes. ASTRID Titan! THE DOOR SUDDENLY HINGES OPEN LIKE A TRAPDOOR AND YELLOW SAND BLOWS THROUGH IT! Delia looks at Astrid surprised. Astrid WOLF WHISTLES into the void. ANGLE ON Delores stalking towards Beetlejuice, who looks uncharacteristically nervous. BEETLEJUICE You don’t want to spend eternity with me. We tried that dance and look how you ended up? You need a soul-mate. Someone who really sees you. He spots Rory trying to make his escape. BEETLEJUICE And I know just the slime ball! Beetlejuice EXTENDS HIS ARM LIKE TAFFY, grabs Rory by the collar, drags him back, using Rory’s body like a human shield to block Delores! Beetlejuice rips off Rory’s pumpkin tuxedo jacket and shirt revealing an “I HEART DELORES!” T-Shirt. Rory (realizing) Wait... Don’t listen to him!! Beetlejuice shoves Rory into Delores’ arms when suddenly a familiar BANSHEE WAIL fills the room. Beetlejuice turns as A GIANT SNAPPING SAND WORM EMERGES THROUGH THE DOOR IN THE FLOOR!! The BEAST rears its head. PUSH IN on Beetlejuice. BEETLEJUICE Worst wedding ever! As the SANDWORM rises, MACARTHUR PARK FILLS THE SOUNDTRACK. RICHARD HARRIS (V. O.)MacArthur's Park is melting in the dark/All the sweet green icing flowing down/Someone left the cake out in the rain! Beetlejuice whips out a b&w matador’s cape, deflecting the SANDWORM towards Delores and Rory! Beetlejuice is SENT FLYING BY THE MONSTER’S TAIL as it charges the duo! Delores holds a screaming Rory in front of her as the SANDWORM’S GAPING JAWS OPEN! RICHARD HARRIS (V. O.)I don't think that I can take it/'Cause it took so long to bake it/And I'll never have that recipe again. Oh no, oh no!!! Lydia joins Delia and Astrid. They watch as the creature SWALLOWS DELORES AND RORY WHOLE! The song crescendos as the SANDWORM retreats back through the door in the floor and it seals itself. DELIA Let’s go!But as they turn for the church doors, there’s Beetlejuice. 0 BEETLEJUICE Where you going, fam? (pulls Lydia next to him) We still got unfinished business. ASTRID Get your hands off her! LYDIA (intervenes, resigned) Astrid, it’s okay. I made the deal to save you, and I’d do it again. JACKSON (O. S.) I didn’t agree to jack shit! Jackson stands up from behind the pew where he took cover gun aimed. Beetlejuice rolls his eyes. BEETLEJUICE Wolf, news flash, you’re a lousy actor, stay dead. Astrid flips through the Handbook, points, excited. ASTRID Mom, this says that if he broke Code 699, his contract with you is null and void! Lydia takes that in, realizes the implications. She hesitates. Delia and Astrid meet her eyes, give her a nod of support. They share a moment, then Lydia faces Beetlejuice. LYDIA The wedding’s off! BEETLEJUICE Nice try, babe, but a deal’s a deal. Beetlejuice holds up the contract. Lydia stands defiantly. LYDIA Not anymore. She snaps the CONTRACT from Beetlejuice’s grip and it BURSTS INTO FLAMES! He looks at her, shocked. BEETLEJUICE What. Is. Happening? Lydia grabs him by the lapels, gives him a confident smirk. The kind that would make teenage Lydia proud. 1 LYDIA Look, babe, you and me, it’s not gonna work. I don’t go for guys who can’t take no for an answer. So take your hot air and go blow it out your ass! (dramatic pause) Beetlejuice! He tries to silence her, but it doesn’t work! Suddenly, HE STARTS TO INFLATE LIKE A BALLOON. LYDIA Beetlejuice! He BLOWS UP MORE, RISING like a Macy’s Thanksgiving float. LYDIA BEETLEJUICE!! He’s past the point of no return. A HOLE RUPTURES IN HIS ASS AND A JET OF STEAM VIOLENTLY RASPBERRIES OUT. As he DEFLATES, he WILDLY PING-PONGS AGAINST THE WALLS UNTILSHRIVELED AND REDUCED TO THE SIZE OF A POPSICLE STICK, he LANDS AT LYDIA’S FEET AND VANISHES IN A PUFF OF BLACK SMOKE. JACKSON (to Lydia)Little lady, you just popped his beetlejuice.(to Delia) I gotta sweep and seal the breach. Say your goodbyes. Make it quick.(to Lydia and Astrid) Nice work, for a couple of flesh- bags. Don’t come knocking again until it’s your time, -4?Jackson heads away, pulling a shard of glass out of his left ass cheek. Lydia and Astrid regard Delia as the truth dawns: ASTRID (realizing) Those snakes were still poisonousweren’t they? DELIA (shows them her neck bites) Unfortunately. But I guess all the greats died for their art. CHARLES (O. S.) Delia? 2 All swivel to see Charles. Delia reacts in shock. DELIA Charles! Is that you?CHARLES You were the talk of the waiting room. They said you threw a fit and threatened the clerk. I said that’s my Delia! DELIA Not going to lie. The no head thing... is a touch too avant- garde, even for me. But luckily, I didn’t fall in love with you for your brains and beauty. She tearfully hugs him. LYDIA Hi, Daddy. CHARLES Hi, honey. They hug and pull in Astrid. LYDIA I wish you could stay longer. CHARLES I know... If I can offer some parting words of wisdom, never take a discount airline and stay out of the ocean. Lydia steps to Delia. The women share a moment. A lot of water under the bridge for both. LYDIA Delia... DELIA I’m totally going to haunt you and I want a full report on who showed up at my funeral.(to Astrid) Give your mother hell. They share a smile as Delia puts her arm around Charles. Lydia and Astrid tearfully watch as the couple exits. CUT TO: 3OMITTED INT. SOUL TRAIN PLATFORM - AFTERLIFE MUSIC AND LIGHTS THROB as the black train pulls in. DON CORNELIUS THIS IS THE :13 TO ELYSIUM FIELDS! ALL ABOARD! CAMERA PUSHES THROUGH THE SMOKE TO REVEAL Delia and Charles dancing through the line of Passengers and onto the carriage. It’s a joyful, disco-infused display. CUT TO: INT. ATTIC SET - TV STUDIO - DAY Lydia LOOKS DIRECT TO CAMERA. LYDIA I want to thank all you “Ghosties” for your support over the years. But this is my last show. (off AUDIENCE “AHHS”) I’ve spent so much time talking to the dead, it’s time I started living. I want to build memories with the people I love rather than be haunted by them later. As Lydia continues, PULL OUT of a TV as she starts SPEAKING IN DUBBED ROMANIAN! REVEAL the SHOW IS PLAYING ON A TV IN... INT. HOTEL ROOM - TRANSYLVANIA - DAY Astrid CLICKS OFF THE TV WITH A REMOTE. ASTRID Mom, we need to hit the road if we want to beat the tour groups! EXT. MOUNTAIN ROAD - TRANSYLVANIA - DAY A crimson Jaguar WHIPS THROUGH FRAME. Mother and daughter are inside, both in black with matching sunglasses. They pass a sign: “DRACULA’S CASTLE. 3KM”. CUT TO: OMITTED OMITTED 4EXT. DRACULA’S CASTLE - TRANSYLVANIA - DAY The ancient structure is a riot of turrets and towers and is strikingly perched atop a rocky hill.3 INT. DRACULA’S CASTLE - TRANSYLVANIA - DAY Lydia and Astrid walk the halls, admiring the various suits of armor. As a TOUR GROUP WIPES FRAME, Astrid spots a YOUNG ROMANIAN, un-ironically named VLAD (18). He’s dressed as Dracula taking photos with tourists. He catches Astrid’s eye. Lydia encourages her to pose. Astrid approaches there’s instant chemistry. As he pretends to bite Astrid’s neck, Lydia smiles and SNAPS A PICTURE. CUT TO: INT. BLACK AND WHITE PHOTO MONTAGE A quick series of b&w photographs that capture Astrid and Vlad’s romance.- Astrid and Vlad sit back to back in a window seat, reading.- Wearing matching t-shirts, the duo holds placards at a climate change protest march.- On a park bench. Astrid’s head rests on Vlad’s shoulder. - At a museum, dwarfed by a monumental classical sculpture of Laocoon as they share their first kiss.5 INT. CHAPEL - DAY TITLE ON SCREEN: FIVE YEARS LATER Astrid in a red wedding dress and Vlad in a matching tuxedo stand at the altar. Vlad slips a wedding band on Astrid’s finger. As they kiss, FIND Lydia tearfully watching from the front pew. She smiles and SNAPS A PICTURE. CUT TO: INT. HOSPITAL - NIGHT TITLE ON SCREEN: THREE YEARS LATER CAMERA TRACKS PAST Vlad who excitedly paces in front of asign; “MATERNITY WARD”. TRACK DOWN the hall as WE HEAR Astrid’s SCREAMS. 5INT. DELIVERY ROOM - HOSPITAL - NIGHT Astrid’s in labor. SWEATING. Puffing with exertion. Lydia holds her hand. Astrid’s DOCTOR (40s) is on a stool, ready to catch the baby. A NURSE (30s) is next to him. The Doctor gives Astrid a confident nod. DOCTOR Keep pushing, you’re almost there!NURSE You’re doing great!Astrid looks at Lydia who gives her a smile of encouragement. Astrid screams again as she gives one final push. Suddenly the lights begin OMINOUSLY FLICKERING. Lydia turns, watches through the strobbing gloom at the doctor whose face registers horror as he gazes at the new arrival. Suddenly the BABY latches onto the Doctor’s neck, ripping it open!(NOTE: WE only snatch shadowy glimpses of the Baby at this point). As the Doctor drops, the Baby jumps onto the Nurse tackling her to the floor. Lydia and Astrid react in shock as the Nurse’s SCREAMS gurgle to deathly silence. The lights ominously flicker, Lydia and Astrid watch in terror as the Baby skitters up a wall like a spider and movesacross the ceiling. Now above them, it snatches the light bulb, stuffs it in its mouth, plunging the room into near darkness. Now it drops onto the bed. Astrid and Lydia clutch each other as the Baby finally crawls into full view. IT’S BABY BEETLEJUICE!It gives Astrid a malevolent smirk. BABY BEETLEJUICE Mommy. OFF Lydia and Astrid’s SCREAMS... FADE OUT. THE END